Resilience.

(These are simply 1st draft free-writes. Therefore, editing wasn’t a priority).

Another day. I will say that my reservoir of gratefulness has not been as full as it should be. Not having something lined up post CMS has definitely been my new stressor. Running out of money and having to start from the bottom up will be a test. Today in boot camp Jamal told me that he can tell how people deal with life based on how they do in the workouts. He said that even though the workout is hard and kicks my butt I don’t give up. That made me feel good because I do feel like that is a strength of mine. I like to be challenged and I like to see improvement.

I guess that’s another reason why I feel like teaching is not for me– I felt like no matter how hard I tried, I did not get better. Well, there were small improvements, but overall I felt like when it came to the teaching, I was doing more of a disservice than anything else. I was burned out from the nightly planning, and I was not given enough time to fully process the material, let alone think of the best methods to teach in an eight-hour turn around (get out at 2:15, have to be back by 6:45, minus 8 hours of sleep if I’m lucky, not including time spent commuting, eating, attending to my own life). I just felt like I was trying my best, but everyday going in with nothing of real value. And I cared too much to continue to be subpar. Not to mention everything else that came with working at that particular school (another article).

Everyday I went into the job extremely unhappy, borderline depressed. The final straw was my student pleading with me to disclose to her what was wrong with me. That was it. I knew that my energy was doing nothing for my students. We were just transferring negative energy back and forth to each other. They didn’t wanna be there and I didn’t either. But as the adult, I saw it as my priority to do something about my energy and I just could not. I hated that place and I could not imagine staying another semester. It was time to go. I still feel like it was a good decision.

Now however, the stressor of me having no job to replace this one is creeping up. The pressure to figure out my next move. Find a job. Be independent and not a moocher. Figure out what my passion is. Jamal asked me today, “What would you do for free and not get paid for? What energizes you and makes you happy.” I thought long and hard about what in life I can do for free and not make any money from it. Hair was attractive and I have the talent, skill, and drive to do it. But more than anything, what I am doing at this very moment is more fitting.

I’ve had people tell me throughout my life that I need to write and keep writing. But not seeing where I could take it, then researching the success rate of writers, and the life of current ones, it was enough to dissuade me. But enough. I am going to put my energy into being the best writer that I can be and see where it takes me. Thanks for tagging along on this journey of self-discovery with me.