I don’t even know where to begin… A lot of changes in the past week. Last week grades were due and per-ush… I was behind getting them updated. Hence, the lack of blogging. I could have done it though. There were plenty times were I sat and drafted ideas out… but I think the completion of one thing before I start something else is important to me. It’s like the thing I know I HAVE to do lingers like a big bitch wanting pay up. Only creating more stress and anxiousness. I had to just get it out the way.
The biggest change this week has been me going back to my apartment. The past couple of months I’ve been staying with my boyfriend. Without revealing too much I will say that things got to the point were life intervenes (work, stress…) and he wanted to focus on those things. And he missed having his alone time and space. I was hurt by it and I resisted the change wholeheartedly. I went back to my apartment reluctantly and stubbornly. I cried to myself and vented to my friends and family. And then once all the struggling and resisting was over, I was forced to sit in my silence.
I asked God to help me to accept things that I cannot change and to help me work on me. I had to accept that while the relationship has been everything I’ve could’ve dreamed of and more, we still have so much work to do individually. I was upset with God about that and even asked Him why I had to be the one person in a relationship who has to be apart from her partner to work on herself. Lol, God ignores my stupidity a lot. More silence. He gives me a lot of tough love. But He always knows what’s best.
I believe God separated me so that I could regain my focus. I did NOT want to do it, but it’s one of the best things that I’ve done for me and our relationship. Not to say that two imperfect people can’t grow together because they do, but I have forgotten that I have to work on me first. I have this image in my head of what I wanna be, where I wanna go, and what I want to accomplish. I can see my success (as defined by me), but I don’t know how to get there. That alone time is needed to cultivate me. I am simply under construction. But if I continue to leave my worksite to help everyone else at their worksite I will become stunted. And they will go on and grow and leave my little incomplete self behind. And boy, isn’t that a way to grow apart.
Two people, individuals, working on becoming the best versions of themselves come together as whole people already. He cannot complete me and I cannot complete him. It’s impossible. We would bleed each other dry. So… I’m going to take the blessing that comes with being alone because in that space of solitude there is truly a gift. Now, I also have to say that in my past I have a habit of shutting people out when I’m going through a low period. I shut people out, I binge eat, I cry. I literally cannot get up for about a week. I had a friend who came to me one time and told me that I don’t have to go through that alone and that I have people that care about me. It is hard to get myself out of the pit when I’m in it, but I try to surround myself with loved ones if I can. I have also started taking anti-depressants. I had to be honest with myself and say that I have had cycles of lows and highs for years. I started taking them as a preventative measure because I know I’m about to hit another transitional period— being without a job and figuring out what’s next for me. I don’t wanna go back into that place if I can help it. I do not think I will be on antidepressants for the rest of my life, they are just something to aid me until I can handle my emotions on my own. I have always been opposed to medications (like every other black person), but I will say if you tried everything else and it’s not working, it could be worth a try 🤷🏿♀️. Until next time 😘
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