Let it pour. A Quick-write

I just want to be seen and heard. I just want to matter to him. To be someone he finds worthy to be with for the rest of his life. I’m tired of being an afterthought. An option. A sexual release. Giving my all to be cared for and to matter. Wanting to share and receive accolades and wanting to retreat because what I say doesn’t matter to the masses. Sitting here torn between reaching out and receiving the same treatment of generalized conversation and small talk. Evading my feelings for tears, sleep, and food. My aunt’s words echoing about how I sacrificed my situation for a man that doesn’t even want me. Feeling abandoned and misunderstood by the people closest to me. Wanting to seek refuge from them, but can’t. All for a man that doesn’t want me. God I pray that you heal me. I want to ask him “So are you sure? Are you saying just not now?” So are you saying that you just don’t see yourself with me at all?” I put and poured so much out. I really tried everything. But it wasn’t working. The sooner I realize that, the better. Right? The sooner I start to believe all those cliches about me being worth it, me being the prize, and this decision being his loss, the better. Reaching out is redundant and doesn’t move me closer to healing, it just makes me stupid. Every man I’ve EVER been involved with has chosen someone or something else. I’ve always been a second option. When will I be tired of putting myself in harm’s way for heartbreak?