Close your eyes little bird. There’s a spirit inside you that lays dormant. “Lean not on your own understanding,” but trust in your soul. The Lord. God, allow my spirit to fly free without the weights. I’ve been searching all along to end up back to the beginning. I’ve been pulling this ball and chain only to realize that I could fly all along. I’m not the same that I was when I started. Going out and falling low required me to rebuild myself. Change my perspective, face some hard truths, mature. But I’m grateful for it. Losing what I thought I needed broke me. But after a lot of tears, binge watching, sleeping, journaling, mindless scrolling, dreaming, lonely car rides, more tears, and sometimes nothing, I emerged unscathed. Maybe physically heavier, but mentally lighter. It took me succumbing to every emotion and listening to what I needed in the moment. Forgiving myself for whatever decision. Quiet moments. Remolding. Even if it means going back to square one, I’m not who I was when I started. I’m excited for what the future holds. No, I no longer have a boyfriend (or a place to call my own for that matter) but, for the first time in my life, EVER, I’m excited to focus on me. Men are great, don’t get me wrong, but I’m 28 and there’s so much more! I’ve reflected and all my 20’s has been centered around heartbreak— how depressing! Lol. I’ve never truly learned how to love myself. And fortunately for me, I have no children! Now don’t get me wrong, I adore the little crazy things; and I’m lucky to have friends that have them. BUT! I see how much they require mentally, emotionally, physically, and financially and I’m not ready for the commitment. God willing, I live long so that I can be healthy selfish to have a do over of the last 10 years. I’m okay with having a “geriatric pregnancy,” that’s what they are calling women who are pregnant over 35 🙄. Idgaf. I’ll be more holistically stable than I am now. I’m ready to hone my crafts, work on my goals, eat healthy, travel, visit family, buy a house, live for me. These are my goals.
Thank you for every pain and rejection. I was already poppin’ but since this is the first time in my life I truly believe it, I’m really finna soar. My decisions can now reflect my unbarred self and not my pain. I’ll keep you all updated on the progress.
Love,
Shem
Nashema's Blog 