How do I feel?

I feel like death is near. I know I shouldn’t embrace that thought because according to some people, what you think you could bring into existence, but it’s how I feel. And ignoring it doesn’t help. I’ve been running from it for a long time now. I try to keep light and sunshine all around me because in the dark I feel that presence looming. I don’t believe the dark is a bad thing. But death, death always caused anxiety in the pit of my stomach. With my recent change in circumstances— feeling like I’m being pushed away by yet another person, it forces me to embrace my aloneness. And in those quiet thoughts I feel the anxiety come back again and I’m forced to embrace the fear that I’ve been running from for so long. I don’t wanna be alone. I sat here looking out the window after my shower because the anxiety overcame me. It was when I came to the conclusion that it didn’t matter who I lived with, where I was, or what I was doing, this unsettling feeling would follow. In the most extravagant house by myself the feeling of death would return. I asked myself, “Shem, if you were gonna die soon what would you want more than anything else in the world?” My answer was to be surrounded by all my loved ones. But then a memory came, I had that once. And while it was beautiful, I would have that anxious feeling come to me in the middle of a good time and suddenly need to retreat. It would shift my entire mood. So a bigger question, is there something I’m not doing that I should be doing?