Pressure

I’m realizing my power. It’s so easy for me to see it in everyone else as if what I bring to the table isn’t enough. I really do underestimate my role, who I am, what I bring to the table, and what I have to offer. I’m working on a lot. I’m already working within my dreams. I am shedding, imagining, reinventing, healing, creating. One of my gifts is being a teacher. I connect naturally with people and I’m constantly put in spaces where I have to teach. Even at the Songwriter’s Lock-in last night, I found myself in a room of men still teaching. I think because I know the writing process and therefore I go into the lock-in knowing that what we work on in the next three hours is not going to be a finished work. And many times I find myself with people who pressure themselves to make it perfect. Or who keep it to themselves instead of sharing so the experience can truly be collaborative. I find myself wanting to move the process along because I know if we just put our guards down and let it out we could utilize the time more efficiently. Sometimes I meet resistance. I know when to be silent. My words don’t need to be repeated, they hear. Finally, he says, “You know what, you’re right,” and gets on the mic.

I’m put in places where I have to be fearless and speak my truth. I was listening to a more experienced English teacher as she talked about how the students didn’t know how to capitalize the beginning of sentences, how they can’t write complete sentences, and how their grammar was terrible. I had to say that, “While those things are important, for me I’m looking to see if they grasped the concept of the prompt, what is their argument, and could they follow directions? These are higher-order concerns. The mechanics can be taught later. Even professional writers and professors have editors.”

I’m constantly put in spaces where I’m meant to challenge and enlighten people. I thought I was moving backwards and that angered me. I’m not moving backwards. When I reflect on my growth as a teacher I know that the growth is out of this world. I see how I encapsulate my students with what I’m saying and it’s because of all the growth and healing I’ve gone through outside the classroom. It’s because I step in knowing more about who I am because I’m doing the work.

I’m in the classroom to hone my skills in a structured setting. I’m here because I have something that my students desperately need at the moment, and that’s the love I offer. To be in a space with an adult who is actively healing themselves and to show them how to do the same. I see how me showing love to the one student deemed “socially awkward” boosts her confidence and also shows everyone else to be kind to her as well. I see how my patience and refusal to give up on my apathetic and defiant student shows him that there are adults who love him and refuse to quit on him. I see day by day as he begins to soften and allow me access. I see how my students transform with me showing up consistently, not yelling, not demeaning, but with a quiet force explaining to them why I may take away a privilege. I asked my 3rd block of 6th graders, “Do we all know the procedure for going to the bathroom?” They all eagerly raised their hands as they one by one took me through the steps. I wrote the procedure down on the board as they told me. “Okay, so we are aware of the procedure which means that we chose to not follow the procedure even though we knew what the procedure was, right?” Silence. “So because we chose to not follow the proper procedure for going to the bathroom I am going to take away recess. It’s one thing if you didn’t know— then Ms. Heard is responsible for teaching you, but if you knew and simply chose to not follow it then I have to ask why you chose not to. Was it because you felt like I wouldn’t extend a consequence?” More silence. “Okay, well recess is revoked. Do you all understand why you lost that privilege?” They all respond “Yes,” in unison. These are moments were I see my power in the classroom. Not my power to rule, but the gift I have to teach them beyond the curriculum.

And I know that I offer a lot of mercy in the classroom as well, sometimes turning a blind eye to something I should reprimand. Many times before I even pull a student outside for a one-on-one, I’ve already mentally noted how many times Brandon has yelled out something inappropriate during instruction. I also take into account that Brandon may be bored and the material may not be engaging to him; or Brandon may want my attention because he feels ignored at home, or maybe Brandon is simply tired of sitting still and needs to release in some way. I have to be mindful of him while also considering whether it’s disturbing anyone else. My mind is hyper attentive to each being in the room. And I haven’t even gone into the instructional side yet.

Not only am I masterful in this role, but there are other roles in my life that I am actively hands on in that require an asset that I bring to the table. The projects that I quietly work on and help to organize, my dedication and consistency— all gifts. Not everyone has them. And I realize that when these projects come to light, my name will be on the roster of those that contributed to their success. I don’t boast or brag, nor do I keep a list of everything I’ve done. I think part of the reason I stay quiet is because I fail to realize all that I do because I’m just doing what comes naturally. But being in situations where you don’t feel fully seen or appreciated make you look inward to all that you do. The discomfort and pain helped to bring awareness to the magnitude of who I am and what I bring to the table. The projects I’m working on are phenomenal and if I see the greatness in everyone else involved, why am I failing to see it within myself?

I’m awakening more and more. My work is astounding already and I haven’t even stepped into everything fully. This is just my learning and growing stage. The emergence is going to be remarkable.

Oh yes, I bring a lot to the table. And with all this cultivating, I’m learning to treat myself like the delicate flower that I am. I’m doing the work on myself to become better each day. To unlearn and realize who I am. It requires work so that I can show up as my best self in all these other spaces. Yes, I’m delicate. And this took time to create. And because of all the work I’ve put in to heal her, I will never allow anyone else ease of access. I’m learning more and more about who I am, what all I bring, and ultimately my value.