Finding Purpose.

A healing rant.

I haven’t written a blog in a minute. I’ve been so consumed with figuring out my next steps that I put aside the thing that helped me have revelations. I’m collapsing. But not in a “bad” way, more so I’m accepting my Now and allowing myself to flow with life. I’m not tryna control the outcome.

Years, I’ve been searching for my meaning and purpose in the world. Obsessing over it. What will I put out there? What will I create? I’m starting to come to a realization that the present is all I have and if I continue to obsess about my future, I’m missing out on now. That pressure to produce is not unwarranted. I left a job I hate to explore what makes me happy and found myself in the midst of creatives. It was liberating and one of the most joyful periods of my life. Seeing all these creatives walking around like superheroes using their gifts and talents to change the world. But where did I fit? I tried to mold myself in different positions until it all came to a head and I had to separate from the company I was connected to. It hurt to do it because I felt like I would be left behind but it was also freeing because I was consistently comparing myself to everyone else and their gifts. Searching on social media for answers to crack the code and figure out where I belong.

It was in the separation, in the silence, in the isolation that I was able to sit with myself and find answers. That I was already whole. That my gift is me showing up, sharing my energy, sharing my love. Being present. Listening. Giving a word of advice. Caring after my loved ones and their children. Cooking a healthy meal. Spending time out in nature. Getting off my phone. Collaborating. Writing in my room. The gift is already in me. I came here with it. My job is to work on me and that’s a full-time job. Spending time working on me and being present with myself so that my spiritual gifts are enhanced.

I don’t give myself enough credit for the efforts I put in to figure me and life out. It’s usually in the stillness however that I find answers. When I drop the search and allow my pen to express my inner thoughts. Your purpose may not look like you on stages and receiving awards at the Grammys (even though I know I can manifest that if I want to). Your purpose at the moment may be you taking a scroll with a 12 year old and listening to their problems. I was a teacher and spent a lot of time doing that lol. And never did I think I was invaluable at that moment. On the contrary, I knew my purpose in that moment was to give that child all of me because they trusted me enough to share their feelings. I knew that I was being that trusted person that I was fortunate enough to have in my own life.

As I take this hiatus from working (which I’m also blessed to be able to do routinely through life), I am seeing how I’ve been spinning wheels to figure out what I’m gonna create out in the world, feeling depressed and miserable because I think I’m not bringing value when in actuality, I offer so much. I’m reminded when I have conversations with people who really love me how much I offer.

When a friend calls and it’s natural for me to pour my wisdom into them, then I get off the phone and go back to spinning about my purpose and my “why.” News flash sleeping child, you’re in it. Keep going the course. Keep doing what you’re doing. Keep pouring into you. Keep writing. I do need to share more but I can be strategic about that. Social media can be such a sinkhole and it will have you spinning for hours. What’s my routine to create a better me? You are creating a better you and that is not easy and believe me, everyone is not doing it. We’re consumed with everything in this world and we don’t take enough time to pause and practice presence. We don’t take enough time to love on each other in the moment without our distractions.

Some may say I live a lazy life and I’ve had people say I don’t do anything as a joke. But I’m grateful to have the space and privilege to do nothing. Well I’m not “doing nothing,” we’ve just been programmed to think that doing this kind of work is not really work. But let me tell you, the work you do on yourself with never be minuscule. To sit with myself and figure out my triggers, demons, and wounds and how to heal them— that is not easy. It’s draining. It can feel lonely. But I’m dedicated to getting through to the other side because I know the feeling is temporary. I just need to figure out how to get through to the other side of it. To the version of myself on the other end that is healed and whole and no longer attached to that unhealthy thing.

You wanna know why I’m able to show up to a space with such loving energy and joy? Because I take the time out to work on myself. I may not know what imma put out in the world just yet, but I do know that I’m doing the work to show up whole. Shifting my perspective and being my own best friend. Because contrary to what’s taught, you have to know yourself and love yourself first before can be good to anyone else. So yes, I push the narrative of being single and loving you and forget these men because sis, showing up whole is way more attractive then feeling like you need anything outside of yourself. But that doesn’t mean I don’t know how to be a partner. On the contrary, the work I’m doing on myself will make me a better partner. We all need each other collectively, but I do believe one must show up for themselves first. Partnership will come and you don’t have to look for it. When you show up whole, you don’t have to worry about a shortage of suitors— they will come lol. But now I’m more discerned. I’m more selective. I don’t allow just anyone in my presence because… it was hard work getting here. I’m not perfect and still have triggers and attachments but one thing for certain, two things for sure, Nashema has always gotten over what wasn’t meant for her. You gotta force it? Let that shit go.

I’m able to show up and radiate because Nashema is doing the work to heal and I am proud of her. She has survived her TOUGHEST challenges and that’s something to be joyful about. To experience life, to fuck up, learn those lessons and still see the beauty in life??? To be ridiculed and rejected more times than I can count but be able to pick myself up and keep going. To bet on myself and leave situations when they don’t make me happy and still be taken care of?? Oh yes, I am joyful. But I needed this time to cry in my bed, to journal, to be with family, to sit in nature, to do nothing—to heal.

So what’s my purpose at the moment? To share this blog. To be vulnerable, to continue healing so I can show up and radiate. That healing energy I possess is magnetic and I forget that my purpose at the moment may simply be me being present with others and sharing that energy so they too can heal.