I have been in the sunken place lately. Eating whatever is going to temporarily soothe me, feeling overwhelmed and even jealous of other people and their successes. Not knowing where to begin with my own feelings and desires and ultimately feeling stuck. I slept the day away today because the notifications for my upcoming bills were rolling in and I decided to ignore it all and sleep. When I woke up around 3 pm, I realized that I am being a victim and not owning where I am. And sat up and looked around and told myself that I have the power to get myself out of this.
I find myself working hard but still falling short. And that’s where the frustration comes in. I don’t wanna work hard and still struggle to cover the basic necessities, like my rent. I keep finding myself in a place where I am exchanging my time to earn money, exhausting myself, and then not having the energy to do what I wanna do, which is create. I am filling my time with what I feel I have to do, but maybe what I need to do is allow myself to pause so I can finish writing the songs, finish working on my book, creating the content, share it, and allowing for those things to create the opportunities.
I can’t shift with the same mindset. I can’t shift from a place of lack. I have to see that where I am currently is a gift and that I have been allotted the privilege of not having to punch into anyone’s clock as of yet. I did just recently get a new teaching position, but the time between now and getting my first paycheck means I still have to DO SOMETHING.
I will make the time to work on my craft. Not doing so is not helping. I feel like God is saying, “Here you go again not trusting me, in and out of your power because you fear it won’t happen instead of remembering that it’s guaranteed. All you have to do is walk in it.”
I have not been allowing myself to walk in any of my gifts to completion because of my anxiety with paying my bills. I’ll work on something here, there, everywhere– but nothing is getting done. And as time passes, the anxiety builds and I find myself scrambling and doing quick things that will bring in money, but they aren’t really fixing the problem. It’s just an old, used bandaid. I’m going out to Doordash and do hair because I think those things are going to alleviate the stress. They aren’t.
But what if I committed my day to completing my book and uploading it? What if I committed a day to start my website? What if I committed one day to creating the non-profit so we can start working on receiving funding?? Knowing my ass can write grants *eye-roll, eye-roll, EYE-ROLL.* At this point I can say that nothing is keeping me stuck but me. It’s nothing outside of myself that has me bound but my inability to commit to seeing anything to completion. But owning that it is me also allows me to rewrite the story. And I get to take my power back.
Something has to give. And I’m not saying that I will stop Doordashing and hair, but I have to also commit to not only starting, but COMPLETING my creative projects that will generate far more revenue than Doordashing could.
When I got outta bed again today, I knew I had to write. It helps bring me clarity and I know my words can be inspiring to others. I know that’s one of my gifts. But if I allow myself to crumble, not only do I allow myself to remain stuck but I also can’t help others from a place of stagnation. Unless I show how I write my way out of it. Writing helps me to see and shift the narrative. It also helps me to own where I am and the vulnerability is what connects with people. I want people to know that I am struggling and that it’s okay. I refuse to allow myself to stay there though. Success CAN happen overnight with a simple mindshift. The mind is so powerful and I can literally write what I want to create in my world. At this moment I am encouraging myself and you to keep going. To not let anyone limit you and what you can be doing. To make mistakes and risks and learn from them. So many people allow fear to keep them in the same place. I am so grateful for my rebellious spirit that IT won’t allow me to settle. I’m so grateful I have a spirit that stays committed once I set my heart to something. And where the heart and the mind link up, that’s where the magic happens.
Nashema's Blog 