This morning, I woke from a dream where my aunt and mom were pressuring me to go to church. The lingering feelings of shame and frustration stayed with me, as this dream isn’t new. I’ve had various versions of it, each time feeling more frustrated by the pressure to conform. But perhaps there’s more to it than just being a push to attend church. Maybe the dream is urging me to vocalize my feelings.
Instead of interpreting it solely as a mandate to go to church, I’ve decided to channel these emotions into a video and some writing. It’s about acknowledging my perspective and asserting its validity, even if it causes friction. I firmly believe that no one should feel compelled to attend church as the sole means of connecting with the Divine. It’s one path among many.
For me, spirituality isn’t confined to a specific place or time. It’s an ever-present experience that transcends the walls of a church. The way I perceive the Divine might differ from others, and that’s perfectly okay. While I don’t rule out attending church altogether, I refuse to limit my spiritual journey to its confines.
Every moment offers an opportunity to connect with the Divine. Through self-reflection and growth, I find spiritual fulfillment. My relationship with myself is just as enriching as any religious practice, if not more so.
Upon waking, I found myself lost in thoughts about the dream. To ground myself, I gazed out the window, seeking solace in the quiet morning. Like clockwork, my friend’s child burst into the room, bringing with her a contagious energy and wisdom beyond her years. Embracing her presence, we delved into playful antics with Snapchat filters, her joy lifting my spirits. It’s remarkable how children effortlessly teach us the art of being present.
Throughout the day, I battled moments of mental fatigue threatening to dampen my spirit. Determined to stay resilient, I tidied my room and took a refreshing shower to shift the energy. Embracing spontaneity, I joined the girls in a game of hide-and-seek, opting to skip the gym due to overwhelming fatigue. Indulging in a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch seemed like a comforting escape, though I’m acutely aware of the sensitive consequences it brings.
In a heart-to-heart with my friend Eternity, we decided to embark on our podcast journey. Despite a hint of hesitation, I trust that this leap of faith will lead to new opportunities. As I later found myself in the car, contemplating my confidence in the podcast versus my music, I realized the importance of believing in my work before expecting others to do the same. It’s the fear and doubt that fuel my determination to persevere in my musical endeavors.
During our conversation, my friend asked if I had any interest in being with a woman. While I deeply appreciate and love women, my romantic preference lies with African American men. I understand this may seem controversial due to the specificity of my preference, but I believe it stems from a desire to connect with someone who shares a similar cultural background and experiences.
Despite the meaningful relationships I’ve formed with women over the years, I feel a sexual attraction towards men. However, at this moment, I find myself exhausted by past experiences with men. For over a decade, I’ve chosen partners who repeatedly hurt me, reflecting my own struggle with self-worth. Each encounter serves as a wake-up call, reminding me of my inherent value and the need to prioritize self-love.
While I don’t rule out the possibility of a future relationship or marriage, I’m grateful for the journey of learning to love myself. I’ve allowed men to enter my life, only to leave me emotionally drained because I prioritized their needs over my own. The recent betrayal by someone I considered a friend was a turning point. I no longer wish to entertain individuals who lack genuine intentions.
Taking responsibility for my experiences empowers me to reclaim my power. If acknowledging my role in these situations proves challenging, I reframe it as an opportunity for spiritual growth. I believe there’s beauty on the other side of pain, waiting to transform me into a more confident and self-assured version of myself.
Today, despite its ups and downs, I’m embracing the practice of fully accepting where I am in the present moment. I’ve learned not to be too hard on myself if I’m not achieving at the pace I desire and to not derive my sense of worth solely from my creative output.
Simultaneously, I’m working on getting out of my own way and allowing myself to create freely, recognizing that I am already more than enough.
Regarding the pressure I feel to meet financial obligations, I understand the importance of setting daily goals, but sometimes it feels like I’m pushing myself too hard to reach arbitrary numbers. I’m learning to trust that everything will be taken care of, that I am doing my part, and that my efforts and beliefs will be rewarded by the Divine without my constant need to fix everything. I’m learning to trust, to rest, and to navigate my daily life with ease.
This doesn’t mean I’m not working; rather, I’m removing the burden of worry. After all, how can I worry and have faith simultaneously? I’m letting go, allowing, and trusting that I am taken care of.
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