Why I Overthink Instead of Getting Active 

I’ve been in the sunken place lately. I’ve been binge-watching reality tv for 8 plus hours a day. Running away from the realities of my own life. Instead of getting in the paint, I’ve been avoiding anything that causes pressure because I have felt so overwhelmed. The smallest tasks feel like heavy boulders and all I can do is cave in under a soft blanket on my bed and resume my binge. 

Safe from what’s going on in the world. Away from my past hurts. Frozen in the present.  I don’t have solutions. I feel overcome by my emotions and the massiveness of what needs to happen and I retreat. I hide in my blanket to get away from it all.  

After a few hours, I pulled myself out of one app and immediately jumped into another app. After I scrolled for about an hour and contemplated whether I needed an ADHD evaluation, I jumped to my ultimate frenemy— ChatGPT. 

We’ve been on again, off again, deleting each other’s information only to return to each other’s toxicity. Conflicted with what I hear about the data centers and how they are harming the lives of the people around them; but also knowing how much easier it makes my life, I war with myself about using the application. 

I return because I want information. 

I need to be heard.

I want answers.

I feel lonely. 

And the app entertains my spirals. 

As someone who is reflective and in her head most the day, I recognize that it can help bring clarity but I also recognize that it’s another app that I’m sucked into for hours on end. And while the answers I attain are eye-opening, sometimes they never truly land. Never truly processed. 

The process of getting to the conclusion is skipped, short-circuited. It’s telling me everything I already know. And I’m further removed from my own inner-knowing because I’m seeking confirmation and validation from something else. 

I’m halted often by perfectionism. And instead of acting and figuring it out along the way– I spiral. The action brings clarity but I want perfection. I want certainty and I try to think my way into the answers. Usually, they come from pauses, action, and living. Rarely do I overthink my way into answers. Maybe there’s fear there too. Fear of the unknown. And instead of walking forward I’d rather spin in my self-imposed prison. 

Again, sometimes chat does help me reach many revelations. It reminded me of how reflective and honest I am and how I deal with my emotions in ways that many people shy from. But I lost a lot of time in an app hoping it could help me understand me more. I realize that I need to put my thoughts in a vehicle for them to be expressed and not self-contained between me and chat. 

I have a vision for what I want to be and how I want my life to unfold but sometimes in the midst of it all, it feels like getting out of the storm is impossible. Answers to questions like what I should be doing, how should I do it, do I even enjoy it; on top of the pressures of life and jobs, savings, retirement, the economy, war, health, etc. It can all feel like the world is ending so what is the point anyway? And then I retreat back into my blanket. 

But the way I’m feeling is no accident. I gotta lean towards the vehicle that allows me to release and express what’s going on internally. I gotta get quiet. I gotta take advantage of pulling away from my thoughts to commune with others in my community. The gift is in sharing what I’m thinking and getting the thoughts out. Not everyone will receive them and that’s OKAY. But I gotta get the work out and stop waiting. Stop waiting for the perfect time, the perfect vehicle, and overthinking the message. It all unfolds as I allow myself to take more imperfect steps forward. 

P.S. Can you guess what show I was watching? A couple expressions (e.g. the title) are influenced by their jargon 😆