Nashema’s Blog

So here I am. Trying again.

My mentor recently told me that the things I want to “work up to doing” will come naturally if I just let go a little more. And I can’t help but see how this advice connects to my entire life. I think about all the drafts I’ve written but never shared, the songs that take me months to finish, and the vlogs left unedited. I’ve been waiting for everything to be just right, for the perfect space and time to open up so I can create without hesitation. But I see now that the key is letting go.

For a long time, I’ve struggled to find balance between teaching full-time and creating. It’s been a constant battle—giving everything to teaching, feeling burnt out and unappreciated, and then wrestling with disbelief and fear when I turn to my music. I’ve even quit everything at points. I was evicted from my apartment and now I’m living with family members. 

So, here I am. Starting over. Again.

I keep thinking there’s a finish line, a point where things will just get easier. But instead, I’m learning to adapt. I’m learning to evolve and, most importantly, to let go. To take responsibility for my choices. It’s better to share something—anything—than to let that nagging feeling build up inside, knowing that I could be moving toward my dreams but instead, I’m holding back, trying to control every detail.

Now that I’m back in the classroom, and with this being my sixth school in six years, I understand how crucial planning is. In my mind, I tell myself, “If I just plan everything out, I’ll have free time to work on creative projects.” But that free time never magically appears. Taking time to plan also means carving out time to stop what I’m doing in one area—teaching—and dedicate that time to something creative. It won’t happen unless I make it happen. No one else is going to come along and tell me to pause and focus on my music, writing, or vlogging. If those things are important, it’s up to me to prioritize them.

I’ve gone back and forth with myself about whether creating outside of teaching even matters. Is it worth it? This question has haunted me throughout my 30s. I’m finally tired of it. I’m done with the overanalyzing and the spinning. It’s exhausting. Yes, it would be easier not to create outside of teaching. Most of my energy goes into teaching anyway. But if I gave up, I would always feel like I let myself down. I see people thriving in fields I want to work in, and I feel jealous—but at the end of the day, nothing is holding me back but me.

So here I am.

I’m choosing to stop questioning the why and how and just do it anyway. To stop worrying about what anyone thinks or says. To stop the endless research and preparation. To just move forward.

I’m learning that progress happens as I take steps forward, not when everything is perfectly laid out. 

Then there’s the question of why. Why am I doing this? I don’t want to live a life where I’m constantly chasing something. I can’t deny that money and recognition have been motivators at times—wanting financial stability, wanting to be seen as an authority on something. I want to do my best as a teacher because my students deserve someone who truly cares about their education. But I am already giving my best every day. And so is everyone else. And it’s not solely my responsibility to carry everything—it’s all of ours.

When it comes to music, I’ve been afraid to fully commit for a long time. But I’m finally choosing to walk through those fears and disbeliefs. Writing and vlogging are other passions that help me express myself and, hopefully, help others too. They also allow me to hone my skills and pursue what I love. I have an end goal in mind, but sometimes the path feels overwhelming. 

I’m learning to take things one step at a time. To do what I can where I am. And to trust that each step forward will take me exactly where I need to be.

Let’s start by saying hello to another Word document. I’ve got countless of them—unfinished projects that have never seen the light of completion. I know my flaws well: I overthink, analyze, over plan, and then procrastinate to the point where nothing comes of my work.

And while I’m struggling with all of this, life is still happening.

But here’s what I’m realizing: this is a part of life—a big part. I’m learning not to separate my creative process from everything else that’s going on. My decisions, finances, and career all impact my ability to create, but pausing to make time for creativity also affects my decisions, finances, and career. It’s like a balancing act, one that constantly reminds me these things are intertwined.

At one point, school and teaching became such a heavy load that I quit just so I could chase my dreams. But then I was stressed financially. Now, here I am, back in teaching—accepting what it is—and yet, it’s still heavy.

I’ve been told that “sacrifice is required to master my craft,” which I understand. But I also want to be a whole human being. I still want to have a workout routine, spend time with friends and family, create, and not feel like I have to sacrifice those things to be a great teacher.

I think part of me believed I had to choose one or the other: either pursue my creative passions fully or focus on being the best teacher I could be. But what if it’s not about choosing? What if it’s about making space for both? What if the idea of “sacrifice” doesn’t have to mean giving up my personal life, but rather reorganizing my priorities in a way that makes room for everything I care about?

I know it’s not easy. Some days, the weight of lesson planning, grading, and navigating a challenging school environment makes me want to drop everything and disappear into my creative world. But even then, I realize that teaching isn’t just something I do to pay the bills—it’s a calling that also fuels my creativity. It’s a part of the story I’m telling, and maybe that’s the point.

Maybe the balancing act isn’t about perfection. Maybe it’s about learning to navigate the mess of life, making room for both the practical and the creative, and realizing that both are necessary to live fully.

So, here’s to embracing the mess, to not having everything figured out, and to creating from exactly where I am.

This morning, I found myself at a crossroads between indulging in extra sleep and honoring my commitment to the gym. Despite initial doubts, the allure of an early start and the satisfaction of completing my workout propelled me out of bed. This internal struggle, between instant gratification and long-term benefit, is a constant theme in my life.

Arriving a few minutes late, my mind was clouded with negative thoughts during the workout. Every ache and distraction seemed amplified – from the discomfort in my wrist to worries about bills and personal performance. Frustrated with my own mental chatter, I took a moment to step outside and regain perspective.

Reflecting further during my drive home, I made a decision to take a break from social media for the week. I recognized its addictive nature and the tendency to seek external solutions to internal challenges. Instead, I focused on introspection, asking myself the fundamental question: Why?

“Why do I sing?” I asked myself. The answer revealed a mix of fear and courage – fear of vulnerability, yet a deep-seated desire for growth. Despite doubts and envy towards others’ musical expressions, I acknowledged the joy and freedom that singing brings me. It’s a journey fraught with challenges, but one I’m committed to pursuing.

Writing serves as my anchor in moments of uncertainty. It allows me to confront my thoughts and challenge self-limiting beliefs. Through honest expression, I hope to inspire others navigating similar struggles.

In addition to writing, I’ve decided to document my journey on YouTube. This platform allows me to share not only my internal struggles but also the ups and downs of my everyday life. By building an audience and showcasing my experiences, I aim to encourage others, learn film techniques, and take my career into my own hands. YouTube, along with my blog, provides me with the agency to create without waiting for someone else’s permission.

Confronting the lie that my mind often feeds me – that I’m not capable – I affirm my potential. Despite financial hardships and the lack of immediate recognition, I’m reminded to trust in my journey. Belief in oneself precedes external validation, and with consistent effort, the path forward will reveal itself.

In closing, I embrace the mantra that I can do anything. Each step forward, no matter how small, is a testament to resilience and self-belief. As I continue to walk this path, I trust that doors will open, and I’ll find support along the way. My journey has taught me to be my own source of strength, and with unwavering faith, I move forward.

Yesterday, I decided to take a break from the hustle of life. I spent the entire day in bed, indulging in a good book. As I reached the last page, a wave of anxiety washed over me, signaling the return to reality. However, I took a moment to breathe, calming my nerves, before gradually getting up to start my day.

A refreshing shower and dressing in clothes that make me feel good always boost my confidence and shift my energy positively. Afterward, I treated myself to a turkey wrap and a chai tea from Trader Joe’s (a little something to satisfy my sweet tooth), before heading over to Lexus’ place to spend time with her and the children.

I must say, I felt rejuvenated. The day unfolded exactly as I needed it to. Lately, I’ve been pushing myself too hard, constantly chasing after goals that seem to slip further away. It was like the harder I tried, the more elusive my targets became. So, I made a bold decision: I declared a temporary halt to everything. For just one day, I allowed myself the luxury of worrying about absolutely nothing. And it was liberating.

My period started today, and usually, I’m accustomed to pushing myself nonstop. However, I’m learning to listen to my body and trust how I feel. Today, I didn’t feel like working out, so I decided to skip my usual routine. Instead, I indulged in a leisurely day, spending the afternoon engrossed in “Catching Fire,” our family’s book club pick. This impromptu staycation turned out to be exactly what I needed, especially given my tendency to be overly critical of myself lately. It served as a gentle reminder that I don’t always need to travel or spend money to feel fulfilled.

I’m grateful I resisted the temptation to spend the day glued to my phone. Such mindless scrolling would have left me restless and drained. Instead, I allowed myself to fully immerse myself in the fictional world of the book. If a thought popped into my head, I either engaged with it or jotted it down for later reflection. This break from reality helped me appreciate my own life more, despite its challenges.

Taking care of myself is a priority, and this break brought me into the present moment, where everything truly exists. It allowed me to step back and gain a broader perspective, rather than being fixated on my problems. I reminded myself that this phase of my journey is temporary, and I need to trust in the process.

In letting go of control, I found peace. Whether it’s letting go of material possessions or worries about the future, I know I’ll be okay. This realization has opened me up to receive whatever life has in store for me.

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I’ve been questioning whether I want to continue pursuing music lately. Considering my journey, I’ve left teaching multiple times over the past six years and had various odd jobs. In December, I was evicted from my apartment, and now I’m staying with a friend while working as a food delivery person. Despite applying for better-paying jobs, including teaching positions again, nothing has materialized.

Feeling overwhelmed has led me to consider dropping everything for instant relief. I’ve been barely managing the essentials, reducing expenses, working to pay bills, and applying for new jobs while accepting my current situation. It’s exhausting.

I used to believe the universe was against me. Why did every job seem blocked? Did the universe want me to struggle? Why does delivering food seem like my only option, requiring twice the effort?

I recognize I’ve contributed to my current circumstances. I could have navigated things differently, but I advocated for myself, questioned systems, and prioritized my well-being. Despite the challenges, I’ve taken control of my life. Every decision, has led me here—struggling to make ends meet, battling depression while living with a friend.

One significant realization is that my current thoughts and feelings are part of living. I can’t skip over this part to get to the better parts. I must embrace where I am now, no matter how difficult, and see it as an opportunity for growth. My writings, music, and creative projects stem from embracing my reality, not seeing it as a burden, but a chance for transformation.

I’m learning to have faith and believe in myself, even in my lowest moments. I trust that where I’m going is better than where I’ve been. Embracing my journey, sharing my experiences, and continuing to believe in myself are my anchors as I navigate through uncertainty.

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2/21/2024

Reflecting on my past journals, I began questioning whether following my instincts has always led me down the right path. This realization scared me because I’ve always believed in trusting myself and that the decisions I make are for my highest good, even if they’re perceived as “bad.” I’ve tried not to label them as such but as choices with consequences from which to learn. I acknowledge that all situations can lead to growth.

Tom Bilyeu and Robert Greene recently discussed this concept in “Escape Mediocrity: Social Media, Porn, and Laziness are Worse Than You Think!” Greene shares similar sentiments as me, believing in the idea of fate. Bilyeu, on the other hand, rejects the notion of fate to maintain control. I believe they work together, and each individual must determine what outlook works best for them.

I trust that my decisions are guiding me where I’m supposed to be, knowing that as I evolve, I become better at making choices. Reflecting on past relationship choices, I recognize how societal ideals influenced me. I was driven by the idea of having someone to love me and made decisions with people who couldn’t give me that. These experiences have allowed me to explore my beliefs and desires, uncovering subconscious programming that shaped my decisions. I take responsibility for my actions and I am now at a point where being with someone is not a priority. While I’ve often pursued love from a place of needing validation, I’m now choosing to prioritize myself. I’ve learned to trust actions over words and to avoid seeking completion through others. This shift isn’t fueled by bitterness but by a desire for inner peace and self-commitment. I’m learning from these experiences, recognizing that external circumstances reflect inner growth opportunities.

In terms of my career, I refuse to settle for safety and unhappiness. Despite struggles, I’m determined to pursue my dreams with courage and resilience. Overthinking decisions has been a recurring challenge, rooted in fear and self-doubt. It’s time to simplify and fully commit to my passions, particularly music, which I envision as a central part of my future.

I am planning on returning to the school system– this time to teach elementary. I grappled back and forth with whether this decision was in alignment with my long-term goals. However, I am tired of warring within myself and I am making peace that these passions can coexist and complement each other. I plan to hyperfocus on creating content while maintaining a connection to teaching for stability and growth. Teaching also helps me to stay connected to the community and I do believe it has a place in my purpose. 

I am committed to my vision, embracing the journey with gratitude and resilience. Success lies in focused attention and consistent action, which I am now prioritizing with renewed determination.

February 13, 2024

Today, I woke up without the motivation to tackle anything. After my morning UberEats shift, I returned home and allowed myself some much-needed rest, only to be greeted by unsettling dreams during my nap. As I awoke, I reminded myself to take things one step at a time. There are tasks on my to-do list that I consistently push aside, believing they hold the potential to change my life, yet I struggle to muster the desire to tackle them, including this very act of writing. Although writing comes naturally to me, I find myself procrastinating, likely due to my tendency to overcomplicate tasks and become fixated on future outcomes.

The pressure I impose on myself for my creations to be financially lucrative inhibits my creative flow, leaving me feeling stuck. Even the simple act of sitting down at my computer feels like a monumental feat. However, I’ve come to realize that allowing myself to acknowledge and process my emotions is the first step toward regaining clarity. Despite feeling overwhelmed by the multitude of aspirations I have – from growing my YouTube channel to making a living from my music – I’m uncertain if a career in music is truly what I desire. While music brings me joy, the thought of navigating the additional content creation required for success is daunting.

I recognize the importance of prioritizing my craft, whether it’s through vocal practice, songwriting, or honing my production skills. While other forms of content creation serve as avenues for self-expression and connection, they should complement rather than overshadow my musical pursuits. By embracing a structured approach to content creation and maintaining consistency, I trust that my efforts will eventually yield results.

Despite the challenges and occasional bouts of self-doubt, I feel a sense of lightness knowing that I remain committed to my dreams. Tuning into my emotions allows me to reaffirm that I am on the right path, even when uncertainty looms large.

This morning, I woke from a dream where my aunt and mom were pressuring me to go to church. The lingering feelings of shame and frustration stayed with me, as this dream isn’t new. I’ve had various versions of it, each time feeling more frustrated by the pressure to conform. But perhaps there’s more to it than just being a push to attend church. Maybe the dream is urging me to vocalize my feelings.

Instead of interpreting it solely as a mandate to go to church, I’ve decided to channel these emotions into a video and some writing. It’s about acknowledging my perspective and asserting its validity, even if it causes friction. I firmly believe that no one should feel compelled to attend church as the sole means of connecting with the Divine. It’s one path among many.

For me, spirituality isn’t confined to a specific place or time. It’s an ever-present experience that transcends the walls of a church. The way I perceive the Divine might differ from others, and that’s perfectly okay. While I don’t rule out attending church altogether, I refuse to limit my spiritual journey to its confines.

Every moment offers an opportunity to connect with the Divine. Through self-reflection and growth, I find spiritual fulfillment. My relationship with myself is just as enriching as any religious practice, if not more so.

Upon waking, I found myself lost in thoughts about the dream. To ground myself, I gazed out the window, seeking solace in the quiet morning. Like clockwork, my friend’s child burst into the room, bringing with her a contagious energy and wisdom beyond her years. Embracing her presence, we delved into playful antics with Snapchat filters, her joy lifting my spirits. It’s remarkable how children effortlessly teach us the art of being present.

Throughout the day, I battled moments of mental fatigue threatening to dampen my spirit. Determined to stay resilient, I tidied my room and took a refreshing shower to shift the energy. Embracing spontaneity, I joined the girls in a game of hide-and-seek, opting to skip the gym due to overwhelming fatigue. Indulging in a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch seemed like a comforting escape, though I’m acutely aware of the sensitive consequences it brings.

In a heart-to-heart with my friend Eternity, we decided to embark on our podcast journey. Despite a hint of hesitation, I trust that this leap of faith will lead to new opportunities. As I later found myself in the car, contemplating my confidence in the podcast versus my music, I realized the importance of believing in my work before expecting others to do the same. It’s the fear and doubt that fuel my determination to persevere in my musical endeavors.

During our conversation, my friend asked if I had any interest in being with a woman. While I deeply appreciate and love women, my romantic preference lies with African American men. I understand this may seem controversial due to the specificity of my preference, but I believe it stems from a desire to connect with someone who shares a similar cultural background and experiences.

Despite the meaningful relationships I’ve formed with women over the years, I feel a sexual attraction towards men. However, at this moment, I find myself exhausted by past experiences with men. For over a decade, I’ve chosen partners who repeatedly hurt me, reflecting my own struggle with self-worth. Each encounter serves as a wake-up call, reminding me of my inherent value and the need to prioritize self-love.

While I don’t rule out the possibility of a future relationship or marriage, I’m grateful for the journey of learning to love myself. I’ve allowed men to enter my life, only to leave me emotionally drained because I prioritized their needs over my own. The recent betrayal by someone I considered a friend was a turning point. I no longer wish to entertain individuals who lack genuine intentions.

Taking responsibility for my experiences empowers me to reclaim my power. If acknowledging my role in these situations proves challenging, I reframe it as an opportunity for spiritual growth. I believe there’s beauty on the other side of pain, waiting to transform me into a more confident and self-assured version of myself.

Today, despite its ups and downs, I’m embracing the practice of fully accepting where I am in the present moment. I’ve learned not to be too hard on myself if I’m not achieving at the pace I desire and to not derive my sense of worth solely from my creative output. 

Simultaneously, I’m working on getting out of my own way and allowing myself to create freely, recognizing that I am already more than enough.

Regarding the pressure I feel to meet financial obligations, I understand the importance of setting daily goals, but sometimes it feels like I’m pushing myself too hard to reach arbitrary numbers. I’m learning to trust that everything will be taken care of, that I am doing my part, and that my efforts and beliefs will be rewarded by the Divine without my constant need to fix everything. I’m learning to trust, to rest, and to navigate my daily life with ease.

This doesn’t mean I’m not working; rather, I’m removing the burden of worry. After all, how can I worry and have faith simultaneously? I’m letting go, allowing, and trusting that I am taken care of.

be encouraged.

If you are struggling to hold on, I hope this message encourages you to hold on a little bit longer. 

As the title states, my car did get repossessed this week. Chile… they been after me for months. Carmax specifically. Calling three to five times a day. I got some reprieve on the weekends and then they’d pick back up faithfully Monday through Friday. I shoulda known something was coming because the calls lessened. They was tired of me and the feeling was mutual. I felt like I was running like Jonah from an omniscient presence only to be swallowed up for being disobedient. “You thought you could run?? We got a tracker on the car!” 

I ain’t gonna lie, when it first happened I cried for an hour or two. I was walking to the gym in my apartment complex. I got into a routine of coming out, looking to see if Big Red was there, seeing it, and thanking God.

The game made me more grateful. But today… was different. I walked out and looked to the right… and Big Red was gone.

I walked around the parking lot because I just knew I misplaced it. Nah. She was gone. I let it sink in for a moment. “At least they made it painless,” I thought to myself. 

 I walked to the gym. But I couldn’t focus. I sat on the ground and cried. I said, “I can’t do this shit,” and walked back home. 

I cried in my chair. I cried on the couch. I cried on the porch. After a while, I started thinking of the thought I had yesterday. I had a thought of life being too hard. I said to myself that I was tired and that I didn’t wanna do this anymore. I wouldn’t do something to myself, but I was silently quitting to God in my head. And then today my car was repoed. 

I knew I had to shift. 

I touched the bruise on the back of my head. I think it was from my hair being pulled the night before, but the little hypochondriac in me said it could be anything.

I sat for a moment to thank God for my excellent health. I thanked God for my family and friends. l thanked God for my mind, my apartment, and everything else I had at the moment. 

Here was my pep talk with myself, “Okay, so they came and got the car. Remember how anxious you were looking out the window wondering if the infamous “they” were coming? Remember how you couldn’t leave anything vital in your car because you didn’t know when they was gonna get yo ass?? Well now, it’s happened. And it’s over. You’ll do what you can to get it back but if you can’t get it— YOU WILL LIVE. And you WILL get something even better. Nashema, you didn’t have insurance on the car, your tags were bad, and you were five months behind on your car payments. You could not afford the car. It does not lessen your value, you just have to pivot. What is the lesson from this?” I looked outside and saw the sun shining and I told myself, “I need to walk more.” 

I sat with myself to reflect on what this situation was teaching me. When the answers didn’t come immediately, I got up and started moving. I’ve learned from my past that when things around me get hard, I sink into sadness. Since that is a pattern of mine that I have recognized, I do what I can to shift myself from sinking low. I’m not saying I don’t allow myself to feel. But I have to keep moving. Especially, if I want the answers to come. I didn’t need to be still in that moment. I cleaned up my apartment, went back to the gym to work out, came home and showered, put on my favorite clothes, and went to the business center to start writing this newsletter. 

I needed an outlet. This was it. 

I left my teaching job five months ago and it’s been nothing short of an emotional rollercoaster. Every day there’s been a new mental block to lift to shift my mindset. Every. Single. Day. What I essentially did was leave teaching to jump straight into entrepreneurship. Without crystal clear clarity on what my vision and business is. I had ideas but I wasn’t executing them fully because I wanted to do too much at the same time. It has been tiresome but I had many breakthroughs. And since I believe life here is a school for the elevation of the spirit, everything is a lesson and draws me closer and closer to the Divine. To my Divine self.

Here are some of the lessons I’ve learned in the last five months: 

Create healthy habits– small steps! It doesn’t have to happen all at once. 

Thankfully, I have spent the last few years learning how to eat, going to bed early, working out, having a beauty regimen, experimenting with my passions, getting outside, practicing mindfulness, limiting distractions, prioritizing minimalism, reading, spending time with family and friends, and getting to know myself. 

Now that these habits are in place, I have a framework. 

These things seem small but they are huge in helping me shift my energy. I understand that when my energy shifts internally, my external world shifts. I can see every situation as something that is for me, shift it to a positive, and look at it from a lens that positions me on top of the situation. The Universe responds to your frequency. It responds to who you are being.  If you are feeling “in lack” you are going to attract more lack. Thankfully, these habits have taught me how to recognize the abundance within and all around me. 

Do not feel pity for yourself. Have faith.

This is not a pity post. I understand that when you make certain choices, certain consequences come with it. I also try not to limit things from the simple scope of “good or bad,” I can look at this situation however I want. I chose to look at it from a lens that will elevate my spirit. I ask myself questions like, “How can this situation help me grow?” and “What is this trying to teach me?” And then I try not to take anything personally.

If I believe I am a creator of my life, at least one of the co-creators, then I can’t choose to become a victim now. 

This is where choosing the path of least resistance comes in handy. The lower emotions that carry too much energy– I’m releasing those. I’d rather lighten the load and accept this is what it is at the moment. 

I know that I must trust where I am being led and not let my circumstances talk me into disbelief. I knew it was important to not look at it as if God was “punishing me.” I had thoughts of “maybe I made the wrong decision,” but I knew deep down I didn’t. It was just fear kicking in. 

I made a decision. I can’t take it back. So I won’t focus on whether it was right or wrong. I’m getting comfortable with making decisions and risks and not knowing. There is no “right or wrong decision.” Only– a decision made. What’s next?

What can I do today with the gifts and opportunities before me? 

You’re never trapped. 

There’s always a way out. 

Someone once told me, “If you have breath, you have opportunity.”

Be grateful and have joy. This too shall pass.

I’ve been a lesser version of myself because the last five years have felt like a puppy monkey baby has been attacking my ass.

But I can say I understand how everything has played a major part in getting me here. 

Knowing what I know now and seeing how it all brought me to this moment is nothing short of beautiful. 

Like working out, you become more equipped, faster, and stronger but there will always be challenges. Some days will be easier than others. Some days will make you question your sanity. 

I don’t wanna be blowing in the wind by everything that happens externally. I want my inner state grounded or at least know how to ground.

When will happiness come? 

When I chose to have it. 

When I chose to rise above whatever is going on around me.

Regardless of what’s happening, I want to always find my center. 

Take some breaths and know I’m whole. 

It’s my faith in knowing what’s coming to me.  

It’s my ability to shift, presence, and gratefulness that gets me through. 

I’ve been caught up on the end goal. 

The end goal of “I need to make money to get me out of this situation.” 

Scarcity. 

Wanting to escape the Now.

I was coming from a place of fear and lack and I was creating more lack. 

Applying for jobs and creating ideas from a place of “you need to start making money NOW.” 

That’s not how money works. I needed to give value.

I didn’t need to research another thing.

I needed to take what I already had and share it with the world. 

I needed to give away what I already had for the betterment of the collective.

Not coming from a place of “I need this to get that because I am lacking.”

But knowing that I am whole, everything is fine, and this is what I am giving the world.  

This is who I am being and who I am. 

And allowing the Universe to respond. 

It puts me in the space of faith and expectation. 

The “end goal” takes time. Enjoy the process and know that you will get there. But also know that the only “there” that matters is Now. 

Are you doing the best that you can today?

How did you show up today?

If all I did today was share the best of myself and show up with gratitude, love, and cheer— I did my part. 

The material loss reminded me that it’s not about the material and that being of service and focusing on how I can “show up and make the room better with what I have to offer,” is how I needed to approach this. 

The mission is about who I can help and enlighten TODAY.

How can I be more present, grateful, honest, and loving today? 

I cannot be overly attached to the “end goal,” and stress the money. 

I’m walking in my purpose every day in how I show up. 

In doing the work every day. 

And if I am working on myself internally and then practicing in my interactions with the world externally– the money has no choice but to come and match my frequency. 

But I must be in the only place where salvation lives— the Now. 

The vision becomes clearer as you make progress forward.

I have been committed to the process. Every day with me struggling and moving forward the vision has become clearer and clearer. 

For the longest time, my biggest hurdle has been where to put my energy first.

I’ve tried, I’ve reached out, I’ve had meetings and cancellations, but with every step forward I understood more and more what I needed to do. I learned to allow and not see anything as a roadblock but as a place to pivot. 

My car getting repoed pushed me to write about the situation that day. And I realized I have more than enough material to start my newsletter because writing is one of my major forms of expression. 

Spending too much time researching, spinning, consuming content, and not enough time creating.

I was in the pattern of habitually seeking answers, confirmations, and validation. 

Instead of remembering the answers are already in me and they flow out when I write. 

CC Rice, voice and speech professor, states, “You don’t have to know who you are to express yourself, you have to express yourself to know who you are.”

Don’t be ashamed. Share your story and share what I’m learning along the way.

This is my story and as long as I’m growing and becoming better, I won’t be ashamed. 

A conversation with my friend Nique reminded me of the “everyday work” that we do as humans. 

Every day is an opportunity to be better and do better.  

Elevate my mind.

And shift. 

I’ll share what I am learning along the way,

hopefully, it helps you to shift too. 

Being at this job pushed me to free myself. To know that I was already free and that I have always had gifts. I sat and kept asking myself questions. What do I already have Now that I can create with? My writing ability. Then I started deep cleaning my apartment and came across writings I’ve kept, encouraging letters from teachers and people I have encountered along the journey, and a stack of my journals. I realized that I am an incredible Spirit and that I want to help people see. We have the opportunity to change the world and the ability to free ourselves. 

I believe the way that we currently “do work” is not fulfilling to many spiritually. Many of us are not walking in our passions, purposes, and gifts because we do not know who we are. There was a time where knowledge of one’s family and lineage was passed down. The gifts inherited by your line were known and could be fostered and passed down within you. But with many horrific events in humanity’s history, memories were erased, histories were forgotten, and the ways of the wise hidden. But Truth cannot be erased. 

Our souls have come to experience this great time in humanity’s history. A time where people are waking up to who they are. Our ancestors knew the Truth. And even in humanity’s darkest hours, Truth has a way of seeping through the crevices and shedding light for those that seek it. African peoples and their descendants had ways of keeping these ancient Truths alive despite their circumstances. Their revolutionary spirits resisted through sound, through their knowledge, through their language, and through their feet. 

Our ancestors knew the way of Enlightenment and True Freedom. They vowed to die for it because that was better than being in a world that is spiritually dead. We are disconnected and that was the goal. For us to forget the power within us and seek it in everything outside of us. To become so distracted with the ways of this world that we work hard to remain empty. 

2020 was pivotal for me. I vowed to stop playing the game and to move in the direction of my soul’s calling. It has been a journey but one I will never regret. I believe that if I never would have been brave enough to quit my job at the end of 2019, I would have been in a depression so deep that it’s possible that I would have prematurely ended my time here. 

I thank God that I chose me. 

I intend to keep choosing me every day, no matter how scary it may seem because sacrificing myself for the world– that ain’t it. 

You save yourself and change your world by going within– not by being the sacrificial lamb. 

I have been keeping myself tied to this current job out of obligation and because I feel like I need to “sacrifice myself” for my students. And out of fear of “needing job security.” I keep going back to what’s safe out of fear and lack of awareness of Self. 

That job made me feel like life was getting sucked out of me every single day. My steps felt like weights. I would do everything that I could manually do to put me in high state upon arrival. And slowly as the day progressed my energy and mood would get chipped away, bit by bit. I would remember to come back to the present and enjoy the moment but I was counting down to 4:30 to escape the hell I was WILLINGLY putting myself through. 

I had to remember that I can set myself free and that I have the power to do that. 

Getting away from the job, getting rest and feeling replenished is the best thing I could do for me. Following the call and doing what makes me happy is the best thing that I could do for anyone. 

I am ready to create. I am ready to use my gifts to create a different world. I am ready to show myself and be the fearless Being that I am. 

I’ve worked hard to get here. And my prayer is that through me being who I am, I hope that I inspire people to Be the change that the world needs. I pray that you go within. Find what makes you light up and use your gifts and talents to be the change and to be of service. This is our time to step up and make the world what we want it to be. Too long we have waited for something outside of us to be the change we want to see. Giving the power away to something outside of ourselves.

wake up.