Nashema’s Blog

I love you. No matter what you do and what you choose, I love you. I dream of you holding me and loving on me. Loving me. No matter the distance and circumstance, I feel you. Memories of the moments we’ve shared and moments to come play in my head. I allow the thoughts to come because trying to suppress them doesn’t work. I allow the thoughts and I sit with them. They are beautiful. I come every time you call. Every time you choose to want my love, I’m there. I choose not to deny how I feel or ignore the love that radiates between us. I’m accepting everything. What is. What was. And who you are.

Right now and even in my dreams, you don’t choose me. Radical acceptance will help me release you. Even though you feel, you still deny. And I’m learning that it’s okay. You made your choice and you have every right to choose your path and your own journey. But I will no longer settle for what you decide to give me. The pain comes from seeing the vision but then seeing the reality. Every dream you either deny, or desire me due the circumstances being more aligned. Never you choosing me in the Now. Never you sacrificing and stepping up to make it work, Now. Fear. Fear controls you. And I chose not to operate in it. You may not fully realize who I am, but one day you will. I wish you Peace, Love, and Blessings. I hope you prosper in everything you do and touch in this life and for the rest of eternity. My love for you hasn’t changed. I’m awakening to who I am and deciding to choose myself. That’s all. I’m deciding to focus on creating the world I see for myself. I’m choosing to focus on what makes me feel good, and being connected to you right now as you are doesn’t make me feel good because you don’t see or value me. Only when I walk away and see and value myself and deny you access will you finally get it. But when you come back, will I trust it? Why now? There were people who saw it in me before I saw it in myself— those are the real ones. I guess we are mirroring each other. As long as I don’t see it, you won’t. That thought helps me to never take it personal. You had to be blinded. It was your denial that caused my heart to cave in. I needed to be broken to see that it was already within me. I needed to be denied and rejected so I could see that I’m the one that has my own back. I needed to see that I could endure anything with the strength of my Spirit. I am so loved. So protected. So blessed. I feel so in my Power. So I should really thank you. Thank you for the experience and thank God that I had the strength to get to the other side. I see myself as the world sees me but most importantly, I see myself. And I’m ready to grace the world with my hands, my words, my visions, and my gifts. I was not given all these juices to waste and dry up. I will use the muscle before atrophy sets in. Head and heart are in alignment. Creative/sexual energy ready to be harnessed. Instead of giving it away freely to others (or at least people not deserving of it), it’s time to transmute it and share. It’s time to welcome my abundance.

Owning my Truth without fear releases me.

If you come back, it would have to be renewed. It can’t be based on the traditional sense of how we misuse sexual energy. It would have to be something higher. What will be created? Before I knew who I was, I misused my sexual energy to fill a void because I wasn’t fully walking in my gifts. Now I understand that energy is Sacred. Not everyone deserves it. Not everyone deserves to bask in it. And until someone Worthy earns it (and until the end of my days), I will use the energy to create. She has been bottled up waiting to express herself in forms. I’m excited.

I have been in the sunken place lately. Eating whatever is going to temporarily soothe me, feeling overwhelmed and even jealous of other people and their successes. Not knowing where to begin with my own feelings and desires and ultimately feeling stuck. I slept the day away today because the notifications for my upcoming bills were rolling in and I decided to ignore it all and sleep. When I woke up around 3 pm, I realized that I am being a victim and not owning where I am. And sat up and looked around and told myself that I have the power to get myself out of this.

I find myself working hard but still falling short. And that’s where the frustration comes in. I don’t wanna work hard and still struggle to cover the basic necessities, like my rent. I keep finding myself in a place where I am exchanging my time to earn money, exhausting myself, and then not having the energy to do what I wanna do, which is create. I am filling my time with what I feel I have to do, but maybe what I need to do is allow myself to pause so I can finish writing the songs, finish working on my book, creating the content, share it, and allowing for those things to create the opportunities.

I can’t shift with the same mindset. I can’t shift from a place of lack. I have to see that where I am currently is a gift and that I have been allotted the privilege of not having to punch into anyone’s clock as of yet. I did just recently get a new teaching position, but the time between now and getting my first paycheck means I still have to DO SOMETHING.

I will make the time to work on my craft. Not doing so is not helping. I feel like God is saying, “Here you go again not trusting me, in and out of your power because you fear it won’t happen instead of remembering that it’s guaranteed. All you have to do is walk in it.”

I have not been allowing myself to walk in any of my gifts to completion because of my anxiety with paying my bills. I’ll work on something here, there, everywhere– but nothing is getting done. And as time passes, the anxiety builds and I find myself scrambling and doing quick things that will bring in money, but they aren’t really fixing the problem. It’s just an old, used bandaid. I’m going out to Doordash and do hair because I think those things are going to alleviate the stress. They aren’t. 

 But what if I committed my day to completing my book and uploading it? What if I committed a day to start my website? What if I committed one day to creating the non-profit so we can start working on receiving funding?? Knowing my ass can write grants *eye-roll, eye-roll, EYE-ROLL.* At this point I can say that nothing is keeping me stuck but me. It’s nothing outside of myself that has me bound but my inability to commit to seeing anything to completion. But owning that it is me also allows me to rewrite the story. And I get to take my power back.

Something has to give. And I’m not saying that I will stop Doordashing and hair, but I have to also commit to not only starting, but COMPLETING my creative projects that will generate far more revenue than Doordashing could. 

When I got outta bed again today, I knew I had to write. It helps bring me clarity and I know my words can be inspiring to others. I know that’s one of my gifts. But if I allow myself to crumble, not only do I allow myself to remain stuck but I also can’t help others from a place of stagnation. Unless I show how I write my way out of it. Writing helps me to see and shift the narrative. It also helps me to own where I am and the vulnerability is what connects with people. I want people to know that I am struggling and that it’s okay. I refuse to allow myself to stay there though. Success CAN happen overnight with a simple mindshift. The mind is so powerful and I can literally write what I want to create in my world. At this moment I am encouraging myself and you to keep going. To not let anyone limit you and what you can be doing. To make mistakes and risks and learn from them. So many people allow fear to keep them in the same place. I am so grateful for my rebellious spirit that IT won’t allow me to settle. I’m so grateful I have a spirit that stays committed once I set my heart to something. And where the heart and the mind link up, that’s where the magic happens.

A healing rant.

I haven’t written a blog in a minute. I’ve been so consumed with figuring out my next steps that I put aside the thing that helped me have revelations. I’m collapsing. But not in a “bad” way, more so I’m accepting my Now and allowing myself to flow with life. I’m not tryna control the outcome.

Years, I’ve been searching for my meaning and purpose in the world. Obsessing over it. What will I put out there? What will I create? I’m starting to come to a realization that the present is all I have and if I continue to obsess about my future, I’m missing out on now. That pressure to produce is not unwarranted. I left a job I hate to explore what makes me happy and found myself in the midst of creatives. It was liberating and one of the most joyful periods of my life. Seeing all these creatives walking around like superheroes using their gifts and talents to change the world. But where did I fit? I tried to mold myself in different positions until it all came to a head and I had to separate from the company I was connected to. It hurt to do it because I felt like I would be left behind but it was also freeing because I was consistently comparing myself to everyone else and their gifts. Searching on social media for answers to crack the code and figure out where I belong.

It was in the separation, in the silence, in the isolation that I was able to sit with myself and find answers. That I was already whole. That my gift is me showing up, sharing my energy, sharing my love. Being present. Listening. Giving a word of advice. Caring after my loved ones and their children. Cooking a healthy meal. Spending time out in nature. Getting off my phone. Collaborating. Writing in my room. The gift is already in me. I came here with it. My job is to work on me and that’s a full-time job. Spending time working on me and being present with myself so that my spiritual gifts are enhanced.

I don’t give myself enough credit for the efforts I put in to figure me and life out. It’s usually in the stillness however that I find answers. When I drop the search and allow my pen to express my inner thoughts. Your purpose may not look like you on stages and receiving awards at the Grammys (even though I know I can manifest that if I want to). Your purpose at the moment may be you taking a scroll with a 12 year old and listening to their problems. I was a teacher and spent a lot of time doing that lol. And never did I think I was invaluable at that moment. On the contrary, I knew my purpose in that moment was to give that child all of me because they trusted me enough to share their feelings. I knew that I was being that trusted person that I was fortunate enough to have in my own life.

As I take this hiatus from working (which I’m also blessed to be able to do routinely through life), I am seeing how I’ve been spinning wheels to figure out what I’m gonna create out in the world, feeling depressed and miserable because I think I’m not bringing value when in actuality, I offer so much. I’m reminded when I have conversations with people who really love me how much I offer.

When a friend calls and it’s natural for me to pour my wisdom into them, then I get off the phone and go back to spinning about my purpose and my “why.” News flash sleeping child, you’re in it. Keep going the course. Keep doing what you’re doing. Keep pouring into you. Keep writing. I do need to share more but I can be strategic about that. Social media can be such a sinkhole and it will have you spinning for hours. What’s my routine to create a better me? You are creating a better you and that is not easy and believe me, everyone is not doing it. We’re consumed with everything in this world and we don’t take enough time to pause and practice presence. We don’t take enough time to love on each other in the moment without our distractions.

Some may say I live a lazy life and I’ve had people say I don’t do anything as a joke. But I’m grateful to have the space and privilege to do nothing. Well I’m not “doing nothing,” we’ve just been programmed to think that doing this kind of work is not really work. But let me tell you, the work you do on yourself with never be minuscule. To sit with myself and figure out my triggers, demons, and wounds and how to heal them— that is not easy. It’s draining. It can feel lonely. But I’m dedicated to getting through to the other side because I know the feeling is temporary. I just need to figure out how to get through to the other side of it. To the version of myself on the other end that is healed and whole and no longer attached to that unhealthy thing.

You wanna know why I’m able to show up to a space with such loving energy and joy? Because I take the time out to work on myself. I may not know what imma put out in the world just yet, but I do know that I’m doing the work to show up whole. Shifting my perspective and being my own best friend. Because contrary to what’s taught, you have to know yourself and love yourself first before can be good to anyone else. So yes, I push the narrative of being single and loving you and forget these men because sis, showing up whole is way more attractive then feeling like you need anything outside of yourself. But that doesn’t mean I don’t know how to be a partner. On the contrary, the work I’m doing on myself will make me a better partner. We all need each other collectively, but I do believe one must show up for themselves first. Partnership will come and you don’t have to look for it. When you show up whole, you don’t have to worry about a shortage of suitors— they will come lol. But now I’m more discerned. I’m more selective. I don’t allow just anyone in my presence because… it was hard work getting here. I’m not perfect and still have triggers and attachments but one thing for certain, two things for sure, Nashema has always gotten over what wasn’t meant for her. You gotta force it? Let that shit go.

I’m able to show up and radiate because Nashema is doing the work to heal and I am proud of her. She has survived her TOUGHEST challenges and that’s something to be joyful about. To experience life, to fuck up, learn those lessons and still see the beauty in life??? To be ridiculed and rejected more times than I can count but be able to pick myself up and keep going. To bet on myself and leave situations when they don’t make me happy and still be taken care of?? Oh yes, I am joyful. But I needed this time to cry in my bed, to journal, to be with family, to sit in nature, to do nothing—to heal.

So what’s my purpose at the moment? To share this blog. To be vulnerable, to continue healing so I can show up and radiate. That healing energy I possess is magnetic and I forget that my purpose at the moment may simply be me being present with others and sharing that energy so they too can heal.

I’m remembering what made my family so special. I’ve never known another family like them. We are rare. We have our issues and we aren’t perfect, but we truly love each other and you feel that when you’re around us. My favorite place to be every summer was always with my family. I’m so grateful for them.

When I’m in environments that aren’t as loving, around people that aren’t as loving, I know that it’s this love inside me that has kept me going. Wanna know why I am who I am? It’s because fortunately, this was my foundation. I thank God for that. You wanna know what I notice most about the students I encounter? No support system. No guidance. No sense of familial ties. What we do in the classroom is far beyond teaching the curriculum. There are special people like myself who love these scholars unconditionally, just because they deserve it. It’s not something they have to earn. But at the same time…we is tired.

I have children who disrespect me on a daily basis. And this isn’t a soapbox about them— they’re children at the end of the day. I question why certain things either aren’t being taught or aren’t being reinforced at home.

But when you start peeling back layers, more questions come up.

Because I understand too why when I call for support, I understand that mom is working and doesn’t have the sufficient time to pour into you. The problem gets bigger and bigger and more questions arise when you start questioning. And one can’t help but see underling structures that are in place. Decisions that have been made purposefully to engineer a specific outcome. I can’t help but connect all the dots when I start asking questions about one of my scholars.

And then I’m able to see how my journey in African American and Diaspora Studies connects with my journey in English and African American Literature. The amazing professors I’ve encountered along the way; and then my experiences teaching in Title I schools. It all makes sense. What you end up with is a teacher with this type of foundation, plus the knowledge and education to provide healing to these students versus more trauma.

That’s my main goal. Fuck the curriculum at the end of the day. What does this particular child need. Well, today Mia needed a hug really badly. She was having a rough day at home Sunday and her parents didn’t celebrate her birthday, for whatever reason. With her being 11 and not fully capable of processing things a certain way, she doesn’t have the maturity to see that her parents are tired from working third shift. This is a fabricated scenario of a mixture of stories. Just to protect them, but hopefully you see where I’m going here. I’m not a perfect teacher and there are many things I need to improve on, but I know that I am probably one of the best figures to be in front of them at this time. My goal is to provide that child with what they need in that moment. Oh, you need a laugh? Oh, you just want someone to listen to you. Oh, you like walking with me at recess. You need someone to tell you “no.” Oh, you’re a bully and need someone to put you in your place— I got you. I teach them curriculum, of course. But my hopes are that they leave with more and that they leave with a “why?”

Teachers. And you tell me, you don’t see what I do? Schools, and what’s happening inside them are microcosms of the society at large. I can go on and on, but I won’t. I do believe my journey in the public school system is done and I’m grateful to be able to spend time with my family this weekend.

I know I’ll be able to finish the rest of this school year strong because I’m supercharged from the love of my people. Thank y’all for pouring into me all these years. I had to learn in isolation how to be my own Source to recharge but the seed was planted here. Thank you.

I was hired to work for CMS at the end of January. In that time I have worked as a 6th grade ELA teacher.

Today, I had a meeting with my admin team about whether I would be returning in the fall. Their conclusion was that I could reapply for a 7th grade position since they have found someone else to teach 6th grade in the fall. “Someone better suited who can teach the EC portion of students.” I’m sending prayers to that individual now.

When they told me I could have an interview for the 7th grade ELA position, I sat in bewilderment. I’ve taught 11th, 7th, and now 6th grade ELA and they want me to apply for a 7th grade position? No one here feels like I’m good enough to come back without having to reapply?

My principal’s statement was that “he hadn’t seen enough to make that call.” I replied, “and there aren’t other people you can ask? What about my evaluations? Or again, all the people that have visited my room and left favorable reviews?” I stated that I felt I’ve made a significant impact on my team and since my arrival til now, I believe our team has improved significantly. Still he responded, “I haven’t seen enough.”

Yall. My spirit would not let me sit there a minute longer. I quietly gathered my things and on my way out told them I would not be reapplying.

I’m not even gonna use this time now to list all that I’ve done or the value I bring to my workspace. Nah. I’m so confident in my abilities and gifts that I’d let my silence, actions, and where I’m headed next speak for itself. I’m writing this letter to say “thank you,” to my admin team for helping me make that decision. I needed something to push me out of comfort zone. I had been praying incessantly for direction and boy, did they help make a decision.

I’m so grateful I’ve been on this journey of knowing who I am. I’m so grateful that I’ve learned to see my value and my worth.

Of course, there is more to the story and ultimately I feel they want a subordinate to exploit and not someone who speaks up for themselves and the students. I’m too much for certain environments and that’s okay. To be honest, I feel like my previous interactions with the admin had more to do with that decision than my abilities. They don’t want someone who thinks for themselves— they want someone who shuts up and does what they are told. And I could never be that person.

I will finish my school year off being the light that I usually am for my students. With my students is where my heart lies.

Imma keep showing up, smiling with my music bumping every morning like I usually do. I know that the energy I bring to spaces is magnetic, joyful, and healing. And for whatever reason, these traits combined with my knowledge and my ability to speak up can unfortunately attract hate as well.

Luckily, I’ve gone through many experiences of rejection. It all makes sense in retrospect.

My healing these days is rapid.

I’m speaking on my experiences because teachers go through a bunch of shit and we’re expected to just take it in silence. Nope. That I’ll never do.

Thank you again to my admin team for helping me close the door to make room for something bigger and better. You are truly appreciated.

I’m realizing my power. It’s so easy for me to see it in everyone else as if what I bring to the table isn’t enough. I really do underestimate my role, who I am, what I bring to the table, and what I have to offer. I’m working on a lot. I’m already working within my dreams. I am shedding, imagining, reinventing, healing, creating. One of my gifts is being a teacher. I connect naturally with people and I’m constantly put in spaces where I have to teach. Even at the Songwriter’s Lock-in last night, I found myself in a room of men still teaching. I think because I know the writing process and therefore I go into the lock-in knowing that what we work on in the next three hours is not going to be a finished work. And many times I find myself with people who pressure themselves to make it perfect. Or who keep it to themselves instead of sharing so the experience can truly be collaborative. I find myself wanting to move the process along because I know if we just put our guards down and let it out we could utilize the time more efficiently. Sometimes I meet resistance. I know when to be silent. My words don’t need to be repeated, they hear. Finally, he says, “You know what, you’re right,” and gets on the mic.

I’m put in places where I have to be fearless and speak my truth. I was listening to a more experienced English teacher as she talked about how the students didn’t know how to capitalize the beginning of sentences, how they can’t write complete sentences, and how their grammar was terrible. I had to say that, “While those things are important, for me I’m looking to see if they grasped the concept of the prompt, what is their argument, and could they follow directions? These are higher-order concerns. The mechanics can be taught later. Even professional writers and professors have editors.”

I’m constantly put in spaces where I’m meant to challenge and enlighten people. I thought I was moving backwards and that angered me. I’m not moving backwards. When I reflect on my growth as a teacher I know that the growth is out of this world. I see how I encapsulate my students with what I’m saying and it’s because of all the growth and healing I’ve gone through outside the classroom. It’s because I step in knowing more about who I am because I’m doing the work.

I’m in the classroom to hone my skills in a structured setting. I’m here because I have something that my students desperately need at the moment, and that’s the love I offer. To be in a space with an adult who is actively healing themselves and to show them how to do the same. I see how me showing love to the one student deemed “socially awkward” boosts her confidence and also shows everyone else to be kind to her as well. I see how my patience and refusal to give up on my apathetic and defiant student shows him that there are adults who love him and refuse to quit on him. I see day by day as he begins to soften and allow me access. I see how my students transform with me showing up consistently, not yelling, not demeaning, but with a quiet force explaining to them why I may take away a privilege. I asked my 3rd block of 6th graders, “Do we all know the procedure for going to the bathroom?” They all eagerly raised their hands as they one by one took me through the steps. I wrote the procedure down on the board as they told me. “Okay, so we are aware of the procedure which means that we chose to not follow the procedure even though we knew what the procedure was, right?” Silence. “So because we chose to not follow the proper procedure for going to the bathroom I am going to take away recess. It’s one thing if you didn’t know— then Ms. Heard is responsible for teaching you, but if you knew and simply chose to not follow it then I have to ask why you chose not to. Was it because you felt like I wouldn’t extend a consequence?” More silence. “Okay, well recess is revoked. Do you all understand why you lost that privilege?” They all respond “Yes,” in unison. These are moments were I see my power in the classroom. Not my power to rule, but the gift I have to teach them beyond the curriculum.

And I know that I offer a lot of mercy in the classroom as well, sometimes turning a blind eye to something I should reprimand. Many times before I even pull a student outside for a one-on-one, I’ve already mentally noted how many times Brandon has yelled out something inappropriate during instruction. I also take into account that Brandon may be bored and the material may not be engaging to him; or Brandon may want my attention because he feels ignored at home, or maybe Brandon is simply tired of sitting still and needs to release in some way. I have to be mindful of him while also considering whether it’s disturbing anyone else. My mind is hyper attentive to each being in the room. And I haven’t even gone into the instructional side yet.

Not only am I masterful in this role, but there are other roles in my life that I am actively hands on in that require an asset that I bring to the table. The projects that I quietly work on and help to organize, my dedication and consistency— all gifts. Not everyone has them. And I realize that when these projects come to light, my name will be on the roster of those that contributed to their success. I don’t boast or brag, nor do I keep a list of everything I’ve done. I think part of the reason I stay quiet is because I fail to realize all that I do because I’m just doing what comes naturally. But being in situations where you don’t feel fully seen or appreciated make you look inward to all that you do. The discomfort and pain helped to bring awareness to the magnitude of who I am and what I bring to the table. The projects I’m working on are phenomenal and if I see the greatness in everyone else involved, why am I failing to see it within myself?

I’m awakening more and more. My work is astounding already and I haven’t even stepped into everything fully. This is just my learning and growing stage. The emergence is going to be remarkable.

Oh yes, I bring a lot to the table. And with all this cultivating, I’m learning to treat myself like the delicate flower that I am. I’m doing the work on myself to become better each day. To unlearn and realize who I am. It requires work so that I can show up as my best self in all these other spaces. Yes, I’m delicate. And this took time to create. And because of all the work I’ve put in to heal her, I will never allow anyone else ease of access. I’m learning more and more about who I am, what all I bring, and ultimately my value.

Where do I begin? I always wanted to be a singer. I had a love for it as a girl and would sing in our living room pretending that I was performing for a huge audience. I carried this habit with me throughout the years and secretly prayed that God would one day make me a famous singer. As I got older, my desire weaned but remained buried deep inside of me. As I became more influenced by my external world, circumstances and people, being a singer seemed less and less “realistic.” Maybe I should become a nurse like my aunt who I always looked up to. The motivation to be just like my aunt quickly died after my first semester as a pre-nursing student, followed by me nearly flunking out of college with a whooping gpa of a 1.98. I realized that figuring out my path was not gonna be so simple.

I changed my major more times than I can count before I finally found my home in the African American and Diaspora Studies department. It was then that I learned that I have to do what resonates with my spirit, despite what my family may say or think. Changing my major to that was definitely met with ridicule because “what kind of job will you earn with it??” It didn’t lead to a clear path and thus my decision was met with skepticism and confusion.

I graduated and found myself still working minimum wage at a job in customer service that I hated. My ego and pride were at an all-time high and my faith was definitely tested. I had followed my spirit and was still in agony and darkness. Not to mention I was making some pretty shitty decisions when it came to men and that did not make my emotional and spiritual health any more balanced.

Luckily one day, I had taken the stick out my ass long enough to not have an attitude and made efforts to actually have a conversation with a customer; one which I believe helped change the trajectory of my life. I know my choice of words is harsh but that day really changed my life and had I not been in a space to receive her, I woulda missed out on an opportunity. My attitude was shitty at this job yall 😂 any who, I had just been accepted into another bachelors degree program and was sharing this information with the customer. She stopped me and said, “Why are you going back to get a second bachelors when you can just get your masters?” I gave her every excuse in the book why I could not: I have to take the GRE, I haven’t studied, I don’t have the money— blah, blah, blah. She stopped me and told me to go see the Interim Director of the program and to just see.

I did just that, and he told me that program would love to have me. He informed me that the GRE was simply a grad school admissions technicality and that hopefully their program could eventually do away with that requirement in the future. It was simply a means of gatekeeping.

I graduated undergraduate in the fall of 2015 and by the fall of 2016 I was enrolled in the English and African American Literature Masters program at NC A&T.

My time in that program was vital in my journey as a student and scholar. I learned so much about life and had professors that truly poured into me. I loved the dialogues with the other scholars and it was in that environment that I learned I really have a love for story, learning, and connection. I thought I wanted to be a professor, but when that path didn’t go as planned after graduation, I found myself back in Charlotte where my immediate family resides with a job as a high school English teacher.

Needless to say, nothing can truly prepare you for the classroom other than being thrown in the classroom— and they literally threw me in, introduced me as the teacher, walked out, and closed the door.

There I was in fresh outta grad school at 26 with a room full of 16 year olds and left to my own defenses. After the first class, (which ended horribly) I went to the bathroom and balled my eyes out. It was sink or swim and I had to pick myself up, develop a spine and teach. I also learned that they were like sharks, if they sensed fear they would attack 😂😂

It was one of the worst years of my life.

Not the students though, I learned that I actually have a knack for connecting with people and the youth adore me. It was terrible because of my mindset. I won’t even gripe about the public school system because it’s a beast on its own, but what made that year so much more unbearable was the fact that I felt like my life was destined for more and I had no idea how to see past my present conditions. I wanted to be a great teacher but was stressed and felt like I had little support, and my perfectionism for wanting to be the best for my students and constantly feeling like I was falling short really made me feel inadequate. I felt stuck. I didn’t feel like I was doing a good job and I felt an urge for something beyond the classroom that I couldn’t see. I spent any free time that I could researching “How to Find Your Purpose” with no avail. No closer to figuring it out from the day before. I was on antidepressants and gaining cake by the pound until finally I decided that I would submit my resignation without any real backup. That was November of 2019.

My plan was to get my teacher certificate, live with my aunt and in exchange for room and board, I would watch her two children. Well y’all know what happened in 2020. Right. The world as we knew it ended. Here I was depressed, enrolled in school, living with my aunt, and going through a terrible breakup. When Covid hit, the rule in the house was that we couldn’t go anywhere, see friends— nothing. My aunt made it clear that if I went out to see anyone I could go ahead and pack my bags with me.

Lol… well y’all know what I did. Never one to follow directions 😂😂😂 I went out to see my ex. Well y’all my aunt wasn’t playing. She threw my shit in a hamper and left it on her front porch for me to retrieve.

I don’t have an excuse. It is what it is and I’ve since made peace with my actions because in retrospect, this decision also changed the trajectory of my life. It pulled me from under the influence of my family and made me learn how to stand on my own two feet. Long story short, I had no place to stay, but fortunately one of my closest friends to this day allowed me to stay on her couch during one of the toughest periods of my life.

From April 2020 to November of 2020, I lived with three different people going from house to house, sleeping on air mattresses and couches. I became a whooping 230 lbs (I was beyond depressed) and my external was simply a reflection of the turmoil going on inside.

November 2020 my friend’s mother convinced me to create an opportunity for myself with some documents to get an apartment. She told me that I couldn’t keep waiting for the opportunity to come to me and that this was an act of faith. November 2020, I moved into my current apartment and soon after got a job as a 7th grade ELA teacher. December 2020, I told myself that I would stop simply wishing for a career in music and that I would do one thing— find a music studio.

That I did. I connected with a guy (who I appreciate to this day) and still having the mind of an academic asked if I could intern with him. I told him that I wanted to do something creative, but wasn’t sure what. I still didn’t allow myself to openly say aloud I wanted to sing because I still didn’t believe I could do it. When I finally told him, he told me I could book studio time at his studio. For whatever reason, I wasn’t able to book the session with his studio and he sent me a link for another studio called Grindhaus.

This my friends is another one of those moments where I didn’t know it at the time, but it would change the course of my life.

I booked the studio time at GrindHaus and met the owner, who it was mentioned also did vocal training. One session lead to me going to Songwriting Lock-ins and me simply making my presence known, reaching out, having conversations, showing up early— just me being myself. I had no expectations other than just get as much knowledge as possible. Jason, the owner, asked me if I had ever written a grant for someone and I told him no, but I’m sure I could. I completed the application for the grant and GrindHaus was awarded the money. From there I was asked to help with Young Icons (a youth camp for aspiring music artists), and then Cold Cuts— a reality show competition based in Charlotte about music producers.

I’m taking the opportunity to reflect because sometimes you need to reflect on how far you’ve come. Especially when you feel like you haven’t.

I got connected with GrindHaus around January of 2021 and continued working as a teacher until May of 2021. I can say that I completely dived in to being a part of GrindHaus from June of 2021 until the present. It was not easy and came with a lot of ups, downs and trials. But I can also say the past 7 months have been one of the best time periods of my life. Also one of the heaviest, I cannot lie, but also one of the best. I had always followed a particular path, that of academia, and being connected to so many creatives allowed me to spread my creative wings, to experiment, test the waters and have more of an idea of what I want to create in the world. I learned that I am totally a creative and that my visions and dreams are valid.

I went through a lot of heartbreak as well but the experience pushed me more and more to myself. It taught me about vulnerability and authenticity. It taught me that I have to love myself wholeheartedly before I can expect anyone else to.

I am going back into the classroom very soon because I’ve also learned that while I’m honing my creative niche, I have to put the hours in to practice and become more clear on what I’ll create. I wanted to write this reflective piece though because it has been on my spirit and I knew that reflecting was necessary. As I was saying before, I tend to be hard on myself and feel like I’m not doing enough.

I needed to reflect so I could see my growth and how far I’ve come. So I could see that I’m exactly where I need to be and that it’s okay for me to rest and pause. So I could see the beautiful connections I’ve been able to foster in the past year and to encourage myself and others to keep going and to always bet on yourself. It also shows me how one act of faith— me finding a studio— opened doors beyond what I could ever fathom. And that to me is encouragement that I’m exactly where I need to be and to keep going.

Do I feel any closer to my purpose? Well, I have a different perspective on what that means all together. I believe you live in your purpose everyday that you get up and choose to keep going. I believe I’m living in my purpose when I choose to love the people that I’m connected to. I believe I’m living in my purpose when I choose to show up as my best self and when I choose myself.

I have many things planned for my future but I’m also aware that we can make plans and God can decide otherwise. I’ll do the best that I can to create what I envision for myself, but I also vow to enjoy the simple and sweet moments of now.

I’ve been getting up around 4am for a least a week now.

Moths collecting on my window.

The lesson from this week was learning about my sexual energy. It’s been an eyeopener for me. I’ve heard of sexual energy but I’ve never fully understood it. The other night during the full moon, I pulled the “sexual energy” card, again. I read the description of the card and it still just didn’t resonate.

The description of the card talked about merging your connection with the creator with your connection to earth without any filters or blocks to experience true connection.

First, we have to change our perception of how we view sex. The word can cause confusion if we are only looking at it from a stance of two people physically coming together for intercourse. That is only one way to channel sexual energy. Your sexual energy is housed in your root chakra. For women it’s probably also referred to as “womb energy.” This energy directly connects you to the divine. How? Because your sexual energy is responsible for creating life and that is a POWERFUL energy. Remember we are co-creators. We are physical manifestations of God in human form. Given the gift to create from our wombs. That power is directly linked to a higher power. One way to use your sexual energy is to bring life into the world. Sexual energy. Divinity. Creativity. What I learned was that instead of releasing this power to someone else, instead I can harness this power upward and transmute it into creating something in my physical. Creation does not simply involve bringing children in the world. You create in your physical world everyday. When this is in lockstep with doing what you love, everything you create will be turn to gold. The birth of a new idea is still creating.

Well this flew right over my head. My thoughts were, “how can sexual energy not include another person? How can this energy help me receive a true connection?” I asked God for clarity and then I started doing research. I found an article that talked about “Sexual Transmutation.”

I’ve been using this power to fuel me. Using my power from the creator to create my reality in the physical. It’s a fuel from the divine.

If everything has energy. It makes sense that the energy stored in my womb would be the most powerful energy of all. I can believe that this power is connected to the divine because it makes sense. I’ve always felt a powerful energy in me but I’ve been disconnected from it. I didn’t understand it’s true power. I’ve always known I have a lot of energy. For example, when it comes to sports or anything physical I’ve always been gifted with endurance. Shit, I have endurance and patience with everything. But in relation to working out, that was my first clue of the energy I possessed. My workouts needed to be high intensive for me to feel like the energy went somewhere.

I’ve always had a lot of energy built up that would manifest itself into nervousness, restless, or anxiousness. Or I was constantly searching for something because it was blocked and/or being misused. I thought I needed to release it with another person occasionally because the energy was bottled up and needed to go somewhere. But the options lately 😂😂😂. The other day I told myself I would gladly stop doing that if it means I can achieve my life’s purpose.

The realization was pivotal. Use this divine energy to fuel what I do in my physical world. As long as I’m doing things I love, this divine energy keeps me going and going. I’m in such bliss that sometimes I don’t even notice that I haven’t eaten because I’m full. Harnessing my sexual energy I’ve been able to push myself further with my bootcamp workouts and at work it helps me move effortlessly from one task to the next. Ideas just flow.

I had a real moment with myself the other day. “Nashema, there’s a reason for this season of singleness.” I knew I had to accept that because I know that whatever is mine will come. My outdated conception of romantic love simply wasn’t coming. But, if you already have love from the divine and physical coming together doing something that you love, you will manifest everything to you. I already have love. It may not look like how I’ve been taught love looks like in the media, but I am full of love. Where your divine and your physical connect with your heart, that’s where the sweet spot is.

I’ve found love in what I do everyday. I’ve found love in the simplicity of everyday moments. I’ve found love in taking this energy and using it to fuel what I do every day, every moment. No drama. No difficulty. Whether it’s connecting with a friend. Walking outside. Listening to music and singing. Working at GrindHaus. I’m constantly in love. That is true bliss. When you can use that energy in the physical to do something you love, it’s doesn’t even feel like work. You’re creating. You have to release the fear though. I was blocked from doing what I love because the world had me scared about my finances. You can’t create in fear. You have to remove the blockage so you can step fully in your power. Once I did that, I started moving.

For now, I will do this journey of celibacy because the awards are just too great. I realized yesterday that I don’t need sex to connect with someone when everything I do now with this energy brings connection and creation. My cards have been saying I have the Midas touch and I’m understanding what this means fully now. How can I not create gold with anything I do with this energy behind me? My success is inevitable.

What I realized too was that my sexual energy before was limited to just my physical. I attracted people based on lust for me sexually, because that was my limited perception of it. Since I’ve been channeling this energy I’ve been feeling more balanced and I feel like my attraction has shifted to more than just my physical but a powerful confidence. A balance between my masculine and feminine. It’s really beautiful. I’m just being.

If this doesn’t make sense. It’s okay, one day it may. I always pray for understanding when it comes to what I don’t know and believe me, the universe will find a way to bring that lesson to you. If I could leave you with anything it would be to start your own research on sexual transmutation if you feel called to do so.

This week has definitely been one of transformation. I haven’t been journaling because I’ve been trying to take it all in. First off, I didn’t work this week so it left me with a lot of free time to overthink and really get stuck in my damn head. The one thing that helped me keep moving was going to bootcamp because it forced me to get out of bed. Y’all, when I tell you that depression really tries to attack me hard on a daily, it’s super important for me to move with intention and purpose. Sometimes sitting in my apartment alone can be my enemy, but I’m learning how to shift the energy. My daily struggle is to keep myself from becoming overcome with fear. Fear that I will fail because I’m choosing to follow the narrow path. Even though I KNOW I’m following my spirit with the direction I’m taking in life, fear tries to win by telling me that I’ll lose it all. All my money, my apartment, my car, my security. I have to constantly reaffirm that I am safe. That I love my job and the people I work with and that everything will come together. It already is. I’m exactly where I wanna be in the present, the only thing “lacking” is the material. And as long as I continue to see from a place of “I don’t have,” I won’t.

Yesterday, I showed up to work and met another beautiful spirit. Me and her talked for at least an hour just boosting each other up. Pouring into each other. I’m telling you that once we finished, I felt so charged. It was the equivalent of me sun-soaking. I felt so overwhelmed with love and joy after talking to her. And I was grateful to God because it was a testament to how the universe gives me what I give it. Everyday, despite my fears, when I choose to have faith and show up, the universe shows out. It’s like I can only get out what I put in.

Then today with my boss, I opened up and allowed myself to express my fears. They were received and heard and that made me grateful because how many people can say they feel truly loved and appreciated in their place of work? How many people can say that they know their current place of work is part of their soul’s mission? Not many. I’ve applied for other jobs to supplement my income because I have entertained fear, but my spirit will not allow me to settle. I’m exactly where I need to be. I don’t have to question. I don’t have to doubt. I can fully commit. Nothing has happened by chance. Everything has been divinely orchestrated. All I had to do was step out the way and show up being the big energy that I naturally am. Doors will open. Opportunities will fall on my lap because I chose to live my life lead by spirit. It’s hard to do because we’re taught to ignore it and follow the path everyone else is taking. I have to tell myself that if the current society as we know it didn’t exist, we would be following our hearts, choosing things we love to do, allowing our passions to guide us, and loving on each other freely.

But the construction tells you to do something that counters spirit because “it pays the bills.” My momma thought I was crazy because I said I didn’t wanna adult in the way this world tells you to. I refuse to work a job that makes me feel suppressed and miserable. I refuse to continue having my damn eye twitching nonstop 😂😂😂.

Don’t get me wrong, my eye was twitching hard this week about my money. I love my stability. But my sense of stability is in the material and that is a false notion. My real security is not in money. Even if I lose it all, I can gain it back again because my spirit is colossal. My spirit is wise. I’m so tapped into my power that I’ll recreate whatever it is I need. My spirit is my stability. Lots of learning and growing this week. That Lions Gate was no joke. Staying in my power often feels like yo-yoing and it’s because I’m still a neophyte. Again, and again and again. Each level of elevation, a babe again.

Following the road less traveled is not for the weak. But I have to remind myself that no matter what happens, I’d rather be in a place that aligns with my spirit then be in a place that I’m forcing my spirit to align to.

That shit never works for me anyway 😂😂😂

I wanna thank the beautiful souls at Enchanted Hive that poured into me the other day (I’ll write a post about my full experience soon). I came into their space in pieces and they took me and embraced me. We talked. I cried— a lot. We went outside. They knew exactly what I needed. They called me out. They made me confront hard truths. They gave me tools, homework and love and sent me on my way. I went home exhausted after all of that releasing and I’m still not done. We don’t understand the traumas that we’ve been through and continue to go through if we don’t know they were traumas to begin with. People who love you who may say something and make you feel like being your authentic self isn’t enough. Favoritism and subtle gestures that seem harmless but internalized are toxic. I thought I had healed from many things in my past. And I thought that certain things that have happened didn’t really bother me. Just because you don’t think something is harmful doesn’t mean that it isn’t. You’ve just learned how to “deal” with it. For me, I buried it and moved on and thought that was strength. Until now when I have to uncover why I don’t speak up. It’s because I found speaking up to have negative consequences. When you’re in spaces where your authenticity is shunned you learn to just keep it to yourself, because like one family member told me, “Not everyone wants to hear your opinion and what you have to say.” Lol.

I’m unlearning so much. I’m grateful that I listened to my inner guides and went into their store the other day. Y’all go check them out if you’re in Charlotte! The energy is beautiful.