Nashema’s Blog

This is a rushed one. Gotta make it to yoga in 30. So imma let y’all in on my meditation sessions. This morning was another lit one. I was smoking my pen and looking out the window. Swaying gently back and forth as I thought this:

What if we lived in a world where we have a Lifetime to get it right? And each lifetime you get another chance to get it right, and another chance to get it right. And each time you start over, you lose your memory of the previous lifetime. What would you chose to do with this one if you knew you were destined to do it again for not fulfilling your destiny?

After that thought, “Lifetime” by Maxwell comes on. That song is now my symbol for confirmation. It always plays when I have an epiphany.

The Universe loves to serenade me in love longs. The next song, “Tell Me It’s Real” by K-ci and Jojo. An proclamation of the universe’s undying love for me. I blush internally when I think of how much love God has for me.

“At Your Best You Are Love” by Aaliyah. Telling me that at my best— I am love.

A great way to end my morning meditation.

First, I wanna say thank you Lord for waking me up at the crack of dawn to watch the sun pull up. It’s a beautiful time to write.

Yesterday started off kinda hard for me because I was reminiscing about a friendship I lost. My ass is pretty sensitive and I was crying off and on lol. I wrote a couple drafts to talk about it, I guess just to release, because I’m not gonna share them. They were my raw feelings and I’m pretty sure it would probably piss the other person off— and I don’t wanna do that. I ain’t scared. Shema loves to speak her truth regardless the consequence, but sometimes situations simply require you to process them and release— not try to convince the other person why you’re right, or why they should stay. I know that I did my part and any relationship I have to force to stay, simply isn’t meant to be 🤷🏿‍♀️.

So like I was saying the day in the beginning was kinda rocky. Other small things happened that tried to get up under my skin. Like the fact I was running 30 minutes behind for an event. It sucked because GrindHaus (the studio I’m currently working for) was one of the sponsors and we had a table, so being on time and prepared was important to me. I like shit to run smooth, but that’s not what happened to start. I had to print some materials for the event, but once I finished, I took the time to pause when I finally did get in my car. You know, a quick grounder. “Shem, you’re running late and it’s okay. You still aren’t gonna rush because getting there safe is number one.”

Driving then becomes a meditation session for me. I play my music as loud as I can to feel as much bass as possible and I take my time. I go the speed limit most of the time— which really pisses people off in Charlotte 😂 but what I find is that at my own pace, I’m more in control of the traffic around me. You don’t like my speed, you’ll move around and the people meant to stay around me will stay. I rarely ever rush. I silently tell people “Yes, you should definitely move around me” and I may smile at them as they hastily speed off. It’s hilarious. What’s not hilarious though is looking ahead and seeing how sometimes those people sometimes almost get into accidents ahead of me. Idk why that is but I’m always grateful not to be a part of it. Or at least to see it ahead of time.

So yes, driving is a time I go deep into flow. The next obstacles that came could have been things to really ruffle people. But I’m learning how not to react to things outta my control. Our table was on the outskirts of the event facing the road. No problem! One, I love being in open light and the cars provided a nice view. Secondly, I had to park in the only available spot which was a handicap spot to unload, but I just said a quick prayer and stood on confidence that God would protect my car and I wouldn’t get a ticket. Plus, I was the one late so it was no one else’s fault that I couldn’t find parking. After climbing up the small hill with a table on my back, one of the young teens I would be sitting by offered to help me set the table 😭. The gesture was so loving and I was so appreciative. I didn’t bring a chair and an older gentleman offered one of his. Finally, I had to park my car a little ways off and walk back to the event. I told myself these shoes were made for walking (I had wore my Sketchers Go-walks which my friend was hating on but BAYBAY! Them shoes came in the clutch and I was grateful) and so I got to walking. Plus, I’ve been walking 3 miles easily these days so it was not bad at all.

I had a small concern earlier about being able to speak to people and representing a company that I am still learning about. But let me tell you about God and how the universe prepares you when you just stand in position. I didn’t worry. I just stood firm. I allowed for what makes Nashema to shine. I am naturally a friendly person so I smile at people and make eye contact and it draws people in. From there, I just have genuine and simple conversations because I care about people, which is something I don’t have to fake. Sometimes I can be extremely introverted if the vibe doesn’t allow me to fully open up. But this setting, I really flourished. I talked to people. I made connections. Exchanged social media information with people, took notes on ways to improve and grow from this experience and simply stood in place. My inner being really took over and I wasn’t afraid. In fact, it let me know that by just me being me I will meet people. I will forge connections, and I will continue to grow. It was exhilarating to know that I’m taken care of again, despite my circumstances. Despite what my bank account says. Despite me not fully knowing what’s next for me, all I had to do was show up and be in position. I’m excited to see what opportunities unfold and what comes next.

Takeaways: whatever from this message speaks to you. I don’t wanna tell you not to respond because some situations require it. Again, that’s one of those things where listening to your inner being is important so you can figure out how you naturally respond. For me in the past, I would react to situations but it was almost like I was on auto-pilot responding. I was doing what I thought I was “supposed to do.” One day I paused and was like, “Shem, that doesn’t even make you upset for real.” Me not responding developed into me being in a constant state of “unbotheredness” and if something does ruffle my feathers, I exit left quickly because I will explode when something really makes me upset. Having those explosive episodes rarely benefit (but don’t get it twisted, anger is a necessary emotion because it allows change to happen) and walking away allows me to think and process. One takeaway for sure is when you don’t allow things to bother you it allows the energy to reset to where you are. Had I let those small things ruffle me, I wouldn’t have been in position fully to make the connections I made. The snowball would’ve gotten bigger and bigger had I allowed it to grow. Pausing and accepting and focusing on what I could control and shifting my perspective aligned me to where I needed to be. I’ll update you all later on how everything continues to unfold.

You know what’s difficult? Being in a constant state of joy when everything around you is telling you to panic. But I understand that where I am right now is part of the process. I am human, and it’s okay to doubt, panic, and be sad. But I’m learning how to get out of that energy more easily.

I know that getting outside in the sun is imperative for warding off my depression during this time— it’s vital. Because if I allow myself to sink into those thoughts long enough, before I know it, I haven’t gotten out of bed for days and it causes a chain of negativity that flows from my thoughts to everything I touch. Getting out of that negative energy is important because I am aware of how powerful my energy is. It has the power to draw air outta the room, or it can bring smiles to everyone’s faces. I try my best to use my energy responsibly, but I’m human and a deep feeler, so sometimes it’s not so easy.

My biggest strategy is to keep myself from sinking into the sunken place to begin with. That doesn’t mean I don’t allow myself to feel (I’m not one to ignore my feelings anyway) but it does mean that I take time to reflect on how I’m feeling and how I can fix it. Sometimes it’s as simple as calling out what it is I’m feeling. Giving the feeling a name so I can address it and work on healing. Sometimes the solution doesn’t come that easily and it’s in those times where I have to fully accept where I am. Just be in the energy. I can feel the energy completely, but then I have to remind myself that in the present moment I have everything I need. It’s human to have worries and fears, but in the present moment (which is all any of us have) I’m taken care of and blessed beyond measure. Grounding and gratefulness is used to bring me back into a blissful state and can take a multitude of forms: sunbathing, walks, working out, music, and marijuana all help me to ground and ward off negative thoughts, depression, and anxiety.

It’s a moment by moment deliberate action. I ask myself, “What would make me feel good in this moment?” If it’s to go sit on my balcony and eat ice cream, then that’s what I do. I don’t worry about the consequences because what I’ve learned is that as my love for myself grows, my actions change. You won’t do just anything because you’ll learn what aligns with your spirit. So I wouldn’t worry about the action being good or bad, just enjoy the moment. Find ways to make your heart sing. As cheesy as it sounds when we start following our hearts more and listening to what our inner self is saying, it will lead you to where you need to be. I know that while my demons want me to panic about my finances, there is something deep in me that knows I will be taken care of. Even in my worst case scenario, I know that as long as I’m following what my soul is telling me, I’ll never be broke and I’ll never go hungry. If I’m following my spirit, I’ll end up exactly where I need to be.

So the lesson, when the world is telling you to panic, find a way to bring yourself back into the moment. You can acknowledge and feel the negative emotion but don’t allow it to stay. Practice gratefulness— what do you already have in this moment? Ground yourself. Your job is to manually shift the energy. Find ways to bring yourself bliss. And if all else fails, accept the moment and where you are and then release it. The present moment is.

“So, just write?”

That was my response to my spirit as I sat and meditated about 40 minutes ago. I had been begging for spirit to talk to me. “Just tell me what to do next,” was my persistent thought. My dilemma between knowing that I need money to survive and knowing that spirit will take care of me was creating a “stuck” energy that I couldn’t seem to get out of mentally. I know about faith without works and after a homeless 2020 I was not trying to revisit that experience. I went back to my grandparents’ home this past week and was able to ground. To pause. To go back to my beginnings. I’m back in my own space now, thankfully. I loved my experience at my grandparents’, but my own space is imperative for my well-being. My favorite thing to do is to sit and meditate in me bed, with the sun pouring in. I feel like it’s just me and God, communing with one another. Which leads me back to the question at the present moment. My cards speak of nothing but good fortune and abundance. My present moment however, I am without a concrete job and living on a limited and fixed income. Everything about my current circumstances is telling me to panic. To search for solutions, answers, a sign. I starting demanding answers, “Hurry Lord. Tell me what my gift is now so I can use it and start making money by it. If you tell me what to do, I can get started. I feel I have so many interests, but what makes me come alive?” Something popped up during this silent time with my loud thoughts. When I was asking myself what I do best, my thought said, “Connecting with people. Just being is something I love to do.” When I truly connect with people the exchange is always powerful. I’ve come to realize that I am a light—when properly nourished. The next thing my inner self said was to “Just be. Don’t worry about a purpose. Just keep doing your best. Continue to meet people. Continue sowing into yourself. This is the path. You will be taken care of. Just pick up your pen and journal everyday. The only difference is that now, you’ll share your thoughts with people versus keeping it to yourself because you have truly stepped into your power. You will walk and speak with authority because everything that you have gone through up until this very moment has equipped you to be able to speak up.”

“So just write?” It seemed so simple. Everything in my nature wants to complicate it. Relinquishing control, an inner struggle. But imma step out of the Universe’s way. I’ll keep you all posted on what happens next…

As the sun poured over my naked body I imagined it lathering me. A golden elixir. The rays penetrated and healed my former wounded soul.

My soul has been transforming. I can’t give a specific timeframe because it’s endless but I’ve noticed a shift the past couple days. I’ve been uncertain. Wavering on the fence between fear and letting go completely. My rational mind binds me to my false sense of security.

Recently an event happened that made me free fall and what I found was that I could fly. I was recently confronted with a past lover that truly broke my heart. Seeing him— and not just seeing him, but seeing him with a close friend was the epitome of fuckery. I questioned God, “God, what kinda games are you playing???” But I was able to shift my perspective. You’re no victim. Remember why you are here to begin with and move through the situation to the best of your abilities. Afterwards, was reflection time. I processed my emotions in silence the whole ride back home. I had to remember that God never puts me in situations that I can’t handle and that I am protected. Everything is a lesson, so what was the lesson? Well one, I carry baggage from one situation to the next. Here I am in an entirely new heartbreak and seeing my past was enough to unsettle me. There were still unhealed feelings. I questioned and asked “Why not me?” Even though I knew that he wasn’t shit for me and I found better afterwards, that was an indication of festering wounds. I then stepped back. Seeing where I am now after God removed this person from my life. Knowing that presently I have never felt so close to divinity. So aligned with my passions. So in love with myself. Stepping back allowed me to see that had the universe allowed me to stay (because I wasn’t budging) I would not be where I am now (or my process delayed). Stepping back allowed me to see God’s divine hand in my life. One of the hardest things I had ever been through, God brought me out of it. I met my most recent ex and I was able to experience what mutual love felt like. That was a blessing. And while we are no longer, I am able to step back in this current situation and walk in confidence knowing that the universe is always in my favor. I’ll move on from my most recent ex as well and have something even better. Honestly, as cliche as it sounds, I truly am falling in love with myself. Running into the previous ex was enough to make me fully take both hands off and step into the unknown. It aided in a complete paradigm shift and awakening for me. Following the path of least resistance whether it be in love or career will always bring me in alignment and enlightenment. I can let go of what is hard and doesn’t allow my heart to sing because holding on brings spiritual death. It was in those rejections that I was able to move along my path towards awakening my divine energy.

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust…

To die and be reborn realizing that you had the power all along. I once heard that heart breaks are meant to break you open. Do you hear that? Being broken up is where change happens. But you gotta be committed to your healing. It’s a process and it is not easy. But listening to your body. Resting when needed. Reaching down and touching the self you keep hidden is part of your awakening. Commit to yourself. And know that you can manifest anything you desire when you let go and follow where your heart is leading you. Because you are in alignment. God gave you spiritual gifts, use it and allow the universe to respond with blessings in the material. Those two do not have to be at odds. I truly believe that in me following my call and spreading the Word, God will respond by taking care of my needs. I refuse to worry about them any longer because up until now I have thought that me holding the reins and forcing things to happen, holding on to people God was trying to remove, jobs I hated, I believed this is what brought real results. Forcing my form to fit where it did not belong. But God let me know in my spirit. Anxiety, depression, low self-esteem. Until I made that first step to answer my call. Then a door opened. And another. And another. Opportunities have literally been at my door and I haven’t even fully submerged myself yet. Showing the grace of God when I let go and trust in what is promised to me. Abundance. I’m grateful for every heartbreak and closed door. Every no has lead to a yes. I’m grateful for my current job because it gave me the tools and resources and it helped further my discernment. What feels right and what doesn’t.

Moral of the story, find the time to sit in silence. Find the time to listen to your body. Your inner self. Get out in the sun. Touch the earth with your bare feet. Find the things that speak to you and make you light up. Try new shit y’all! Let the spark guide you. This world will tell you to be rational and I do believe that we have to be able to navigate it in a way that works best for you. Every situation is different. Make a plan, but most importantly, make a move. Remember, there truly is no such thing as security. Everything is futile. And only change is inevitable. It could be all gone tomorrow. But— I’m confident in my abilities. I believe that God has crafted the tools in me to be able to bounce back from any situation. So, again I’m taking the step. No longer held by my past and anxious about my future. See the bigger picture and know if you’re reading this God has brought you out of 100% of all the situations meant to take you out.

I’m at a point now where not trying would kill me internally. I have so much trust in the universe that I’m fearless. My past brought me to this exact point and I am humbly grateful.

Divine timing. Trust. The universe wants nothing more than to shower blessings at your feet. Follow your heart. Be fearless and in due time you’ll understand why it all happened the way it did.

Much love to you all.

So I have an Aglaonema. A plant with pretty dark evergreen foliage with splashes of red. Gifted to me by a friend. Beautiful. It symbolized a new beginning and I was doing everything I could to keep it alive. I had tried everything. Research. Repotted her. Fertilizer. Moved her around. Watered her. Dried her out again. Still. Yellowing leaves. Everyday I looked at her and noticed more yellowing. I looked at her from across the room. Discouraged. Frustrated. No matter what I did, she continued to have leaf yellowing. And her leaves continued to roll up from too much water. I decided then to just leave it alone. As I looked at her from across the room, I thought about how eventually there wouldn’t be a leaf left.

Here I was doing everything I could to keep this thing going. Putting all of my energy into making it thrive. But it was quickly leading to burnout. Frustration. The frustration finally lead me to planting my heels in the ground. Running away. Doing nothing. This day for me in particular was a product of my frustration from a lack of answers, so it seemed. I was in a phase I call “spinning wheels” overanalyzing and getting nothing done. Plans of productivity quickly turned into laying on the couch watching YouTube.

One lady in particular really pulled me in. Her energy was so inviting and warm and I watched one video after another of her talking about plants. One video she showed what new foliage looked like on her Aglaonema— and what do you know??! New foliage on Aglaonemas look like rolled up leaves. Those leaves that I kept seeing on the plant that were rolled up were not existing leaves suffering from too much water. They were actually new leaves that were growing on the plant. The whole time I continued to obsess and stress over the plant. Obsessing over the leaves that I was losing at the bottom, that I never even noticed or realized all the new foliage that was emerging at the top. Granted, it was from a lack of information but taking the time to pause and learn was all I needed to help shift my perspective about the plant. Yes she was losing leaves, but she was also growing. She even had white flower bulbs. The plant was thriving, despite what it looked like. After trying so hard, and stubbornly being lead to stillness, I was able to shift perspectives not only about the plant but about myself.

Yes, things seem bleak to you. All you are noticing are the negatives swirling around you. You’re tired. Frustrated and you’re doing everything you can to keep afloat. You think, “If I just exert more energy I’ll be successful.” But what I found was that I was increasingly ignoring the need for silence. The need to do nothing. Sometimes rest, pausing, and going within is necessary for a shift. You’ll see you’re exactly where you need to be. Doing exactly what you need to be doing. AND doing the best you can do. Pause often to see and seek direction. You’ll know when it’s time to move. Doors and openings will shift and make room for you. But sometimes all you need is clarity and stillness for a new appreciation. Or to receive a lesson from a plant…

I pray that God completely heal my broken heart. I pray that I continue to work on my faith in God and on my discovery of myself. I pray that God helps me to find my purpose and then give me the power to actively pursue it. I pray for my family and that there is a shield of protection around everyone, including myself. God, I pray that X will one day understand how I feel and apologize. I pray that you take the desire that I still have for him out of my heart. I pray that any triggers that cause me to remember him no longer have power over me. Lord, please take the jealousy, hurt, and pain out of my heart that I have when I think about him with another woman. I wanted nothing more than to be the woman that he loves and he spit on my efforts and on my love in every way. I feel so broken and when I think about him happy and moving on, it makes me feel like I’m worthless. I need help.

Where do I begin? I’ve been avoiding writing because I know that the feelings I have are so negative. I guess I won’t worry about how people will perceive it and just let it all out.

I am currently in the process of healing from the breakup with my ex. Technically we broke up in March of last year and I don’t want to give this topic too much attention so I’ll just say that I held on longer than I should have and it all blew up in my face. This heartbreak is one of the most devasting things that I have ever experienced. I have no choice but to focus on my healing, or I just won’t make it. I’m not totally impressed with the way I’ve been handling the separation. If I don’t make plans for the day, or have work to do, I just don’t have the motivation to get out of bed and I have lost my appetite. I eat out of necessity and not desire once a day. Things really got bad when I attempted to reach out and called about 50 times and he blocked me. To say I felt low would be an understatement. I’m just tryna pick the pieces back up of my life.

In this time of reflection, I have realized that if I spent more time actively pursuing my purpose I wouldn’t feel as depressed. I believe the combination of the heartbreak plus not being fulfilled at my job is simply not a good combination for my mental stability.

So that’s the update of my life. It’s not a lot but I had to force myself to write. I know that writing is a talent of mine, but to sit and unload… I don’t know, I just wasn’t ready for it. But I’m glad I forced myself to do it. I do feel better and I hope that whatever I’m going through or write can help someone else…

I feel like death is near. I know I shouldn’t embrace that thought because according to some people, what you think you could bring into existence, but it’s how I feel. And ignoring it doesn’t help. I’ve been running from it for a long time now. I try to keep light and sunshine all around me because in the dark I feel that presence looming. I don’t believe the dark is a bad thing. But death, death always caused anxiety in the pit of my stomach. With my recent change in circumstances— feeling like I’m being pushed away by yet another person, it forces me to embrace my aloneness. And in those quiet thoughts I feel the anxiety come back again and I’m forced to embrace the fear that I’ve been running from for so long. I don’t wanna be alone. I sat here looking out the window after my shower because the anxiety overcame me. It was when I came to the conclusion that it didn’t matter who I lived with, where I was, or what I was doing, this unsettling feeling would follow. In the most extravagant house by myself the feeling of death would return. I asked myself, “Shem, if you were gonna die soon what would you want more than anything else in the world?” My answer was to be surrounded by all my loved ones. But then a memory came, I had that once. And while it was beautiful, I would have that anxious feeling come to me in the middle of a good time and suddenly need to retreat. It would shift my entire mood. So a bigger question, is there something I’m not doing that I should be doing?

That lead me down the rabbit-hole of research because I wanted to know more about why her actions would offend others. Accept that the world is not stagnant and that as long as we have people, there will be different experiences. This seems like a “duh” kinda thing but people love to hold on to ideas of what they feel “grounds” them. Exploring who you are without it threatens their existence.

I felt like accepting non-binary and trans identity would erase what I know as “womanhood” or that it’ll erase me in some way. I had to acknowledge that that fear is similar to how white ppl feel about their reality with accepting blackness. There’s a difference between acknowledging and accepting. I acknowledged that they were there and still had the privilege to turn away. Accepting, I feel takes it a step further; doing my due diligence to understand and then accepting that their reality merges with mine. Acceptance. This word reeks of power because who am I to finally “accept” you as if doing so finally solidifies your existence? No, the acceptance is for my brain to acknowledge that there are others with a reality that differs from mine and that my reality is not all that is.

There’s nothing wrong with me educating myself about the unfamiliar and challenging my unchallenged and guarded thoughts. And then asking myself candidly, “what is it that you fear?”