Nashema’s Blog

Close your eyes little bird. There’s a spirit inside you that lays dormant. “Lean not on your own understanding,” but trust in your soul. The Lord. God, allow my spirit to fly free without the weights. I’ve been searching all along to end up back to the beginning. I’ve been pulling this ball and chain only to realize that I could fly all along. I’m not the same that I was when I started. Going out and falling low required me to rebuild myself. Change my perspective, face some hard truths, mature. But I’m grateful for it. Losing what I thought I needed broke me. But after a lot of tears, binge watching, sleeping, journaling, mindless scrolling, dreaming, lonely car rides, more tears, and sometimes nothing, I emerged unscathed. Maybe physically heavier, but mentally lighter. It took me succumbing to every emotion and listening to what I needed in the moment. Forgiving myself for whatever decision. Quiet moments. Remolding. Even if it means going back to square one, I’m not who I was when I started. I’m excited for what the future holds. No, I no longer have a boyfriend (or a place to call my own for that matter) but, for the first time in my life, EVER, I’m excited to focus on me. Men are great, don’t get me wrong, but I’m 28 and there’s so much more! I’ve reflected and all my 20’s has been centered around heartbreak— how depressing! Lol. I’ve never truly learned how to love myself. And fortunately for me, I have no children! Now don’t get me wrong, I adore the little crazy things; and I’m lucky to have friends that have them. BUT! I see how much they require mentally, emotionally, physically, and financially and I’m not ready for the commitment. God willing, I live long so that I can be healthy selfish to have a do over of the last 10 years. I’m okay with having a “geriatric pregnancy,” that’s what they are calling women who are pregnant over 35 🙄. Idgaf. I’ll be more holistically stable than I am now. I’m ready to hone my crafts, work on my goals, eat healthy, travel, visit family, buy a house, live for me. These are my goals.

Thank you for every pain and rejection. I was already poppin’ but since this is the first time in my life I truly believe it, I’m really finna soar. My decisions can now reflect my unbarred self and not my pain. I’ll keep you all updated on the progress.

Love,

Shem

My mother. What can I say about her. I know when she sees that I used her childhood nickname she’s probably gonna bop me on the back of the head when she sees me. So imma take advantage of this social distancing on her memory. My Scorpio mother. If anyone knows anything about Scorpios and Tauruses you know that me and her are TOTAL opposites. When it’s good, it’s real good, but boy when it’s bad— we want to choke each other. However, my mother is one of the first relationships that I got to practice forgiveness with. Of all the times we may not mesh and we may be stubborn in our own corners, with some time, we can come back together and squash it. There have been some instances where the encounter never even phased her (true to her nature). I could ask “Ma, did you notice when blah blah blah?” And she would respond “Nope! Didn’t even notice.” Totally unphased. Unimpressed. Unbothered. And I would be in a mix of awe and laughter. My mother’s birthing story of me was one that deviated from the traditional birthing story of tears and more tears. When I was placed on her, freshly removed and covered in all things from her uterus, she asked could they please remove me and clean me first. True to her nature. That’s what I appreciate about Loretta, always staying true to who she is. Nonconforming. Untraditional. Quirky. Childhood memories: her running around the house with me and Tony, playing hide-in-seek, scaring the shit out of us, us three sitting on the couch together watching Soaps, both of us alternating sleeping with you, watching you read avidly, riding bikes together— just the three of us. Toy purchases were things that spawned our creativity or incited us to be active: ping pong tables, po-go sticks and stilts, not simply the traditional cars for him, dolls for her get-up. You enticed us to play. And you played with us. Such an important parenting take-away.

Me: Ma, can you feel wax forming in your ear? Her: I knew I shouldn’t of picked up the phone, I knew you wasn’t gonna be talking bout shit Me: 😂😂😂. Well look out for it.

The next day…

Me: Soooo… did you look out for it (with everything gonna on, I peaked her interest)?

Her: Looked out for what?? Whatchu talking bout?

Me: The wax forming in your ear 😐…

*silence*

Her: Shema, get the hell off my phone, in fact, I forgot about it right after you said that dumb shit!

😭😭😭 I swear she’s not verbally abusive. This is her humor and I love it. My mother despite her language, entertains my foolishness. She embraces all that is me. She knows that 99.9999% of the time— I don’t be calling bout nothing. I just wanna look at her face. She helped mold me into this goofy child and I remind her by calling her with nonsense almost every day. Even when I threaten to put her in Shadypines (where she responds that she will gladly go because she doesn’t want me beating and starving her), she knows that imma have her right there with me 😬. Parting that last itty bit of hair right down the middle with a swoop and carrying her around with me wherever I go. My mummy, my roll dog. Love you guh!! Happy Mother’s Day ♥️

I just want to be seen and heard. I just want to matter to him. To be someone he finds worthy to be with for the rest of his life. I’m tired of being an afterthought. An option. A sexual release. Giving my all to be cared for and to matter. Wanting to share and receive accolades and wanting to retreat because what I say doesn’t matter to the masses. Sitting here torn between reaching out and receiving the same treatment of generalized conversation and small talk. Evading my feelings for tears, sleep, and food. My aunt’s words echoing about how I sacrificed my situation for a man that doesn’t even want me. Feeling abandoned and misunderstood by the people closest to me. Wanting to seek refuge from them, but can’t. All for a man that doesn’t want me. God I pray that you heal me. I want to ask him “So are you sure? Are you saying just not now?” So are you saying that you just don’t see yourself with me at all?” I put and poured so much out. I really tried everything. But it wasn’t working. The sooner I realize that, the better. Right? The sooner I start to believe all those cliches about me being worth it, me being the prize, and this decision being his loss, the better. Reaching out is redundant and doesn’t move me closer to healing, it just makes me stupid. Every man I’ve EVER been involved with has chosen someone or something else. I’ve always been a second option. When will I be tired of putting myself in harm’s way for heartbreak?

Has anyone else paid to attention to what it feels like when God is talking to you? I don’t ever recall hearing his voice directly, but I have had times where he has used someone else to tell me something. The best way to describe it is a feeling of warmth when that person is talking. My vision even changes. It’s like everything gets brighter. It’s like God is telling me from the inside out, “MESSAGE!” I’ve had moments like that with my students. Whenever we were having class heart-to-hearts, I would feel that warmth come all over me and almost get brought to tears while I was talking. In that moment if I could become cognizant enough to look at their faces, it was always a moment where they were deeply engrossed in my message. There was connection. That feeling would also come during one-on-ones.

I’m looking forward to going back to teaching in August. Teaching was something that I felt I completely sucked at. You know what I sucked at? Feeling like I had to conform to rigid and bland ways of teaching that seemed to be pushed at every angle. Trying to thrive in an environment that was intended to suck the life out of me and my students. Trying to align myself to the purposes and goals of a system that did not even think about students of color. As long as I tried to be what the system wanted me to be, I wilted.

What I was good at was connecting to my students. Sitting down with them and letting them know that they are heard and validating their feelings and experiences. Being vulnerable and letting them know that I did not have all the answers and that we are there to learn from each other. Allowing my classroom to be a safe space to open up and share without ridicule or shame. Showing them that despite how friggin ANNOYING they could be, that I had enough patience and grace to never allow my anger to tear them down, to take anything personal, and to forgive them. I had to show them that I loved them unconditionally. But, that I also loved them enough to discipline them when needed. It always seemed to amaze a student that I may have had an issue with the following day when I would put on my best face and greet them as if nothing happened. Why? I learned that my most impactful way of teaching them was by me being an example. I swear I felt like I was the worst teacher ever sometimes. My lesson plans had no real depth or rigor and I failed completely at trying to prepare them for their state exams. I kept asking people “How do you teach? How do you teach?!!” The funny thing is, I was doing it all along, it just didn’t look like my interpretation of what “teaching” is supposed to look like. The next time I go back into the classroom I’m going to take what I was naturally good at and do it more purposefully. Really combine it with more content and rigor. I relied heavily on group work, discussions, writing and art because quite frankly to me, it was the easiest. As a first-year teacher without an administration to truly support me, it was sink or swim. I had to do something with my students and it made sense to have them doing most the work. My students loved me despite the fact that I felt like I was failing them often. I would love to see what I could do in a healthier environment where I’m not constantly feeling like I’m drowning.

Teaching so far has been a journey into learning myself more deeply.

Where am I now? I’ve been taking a lot of time to reflect and figure some things out… who else can say that they can take almost of year off work to solely focus on themselves?

I’m learning that I am in a good place, despite my current circumstances. It is not easy. I have a lot of moments where I want to shut down and be to myself. I also get so overwhelmed with what I want my future to look like that I get stuck in that cloud of thought. I’ve had to convince myself that the “meaningless” stuff that I’m doing now will get me there— “do not be discouraged,” I tell myself. This is my time, and I’ll use it to heal, grow, read, pray, and plan.

The commitment I made to myself to do a draft a day. It is important to me. But other things have come in and taken priority. This whole “figure out what you want to do with your life thing” has brought about a new kind of anxiety. The pressure to “figure it out,” “choose one career and do it for the rest of your life,” “find my passion,” is something else. I quit my job and have a limited fixed budget now and the pressure is on— sort of. I think I realized that I was causing that pressure on myself based on what I felt others would say. I felt like I should be stressed out because I had quit my job with no real plan and my family is now looking at me to see what’s next. My boyfriend told me that he really didn’t think I wanted a job and I had to be honest with myself and say that I didn’t. My real feelings were that I felt no real pressure to want to apply for work because I did NOT want to work for someone else. I gave myself room and patience to stop looking and to take my mind off of “what’s next.” I had been researching nonstop trying to figure out my whole life in one sitting each time. Today, my aunt said that she suggested someone come to me to get their hair done. A lightbulb went off. I don’t know why the hell I didn’t think about doing hair when I have a whole license just sitting here (collecting dust frfr). I have had soooo many ideas and things I wanted to accomplish, today I allowed myself to just pick one thing. Doing hair gives me creativity and flexibility that I seek in a career. I plan on consolidating my bills and hopefully getting rid of my apartment soon. If I plan on truly giving this 100% I need the least amount of bills as possible. And as long as I’m smart during this time and save my money (Blog about minimalism, anti consumerism, and black liberation later) then I should be okay. Doing hair is something that I can start TODAY without additional training. Annnnd, I do not have to do it for the rest of my life. I’ve never felt like saying “I’m a teacher.” I’ve always said “I teach.” It’s what I do, not who I am. And I may want to do something different tomorrow. I’ve been trying to pick something that I could do for forever, because that is what’s ingrained in me. But the truth is, I can do this right now and it may not be what I’m still doing in five years— and that’s okay!! Pick one thing that I can enjoy and allow for it to open other doors for me. I can do hair (to make money) and still write, read, and research what’s next. This decision feels so good and so right that I haven’t even had the urge to binge eat. I think I was doing that because of the lack of direction and control that I felt I had. I feel at peace right now and it feels good.

I don’t even know where to begin… A lot of changes in the past week. Last week grades were due and per-ush… I was behind getting them updated. Hence, the lack of blogging. I could have done it though. There were plenty times were I sat and drafted ideas out… but I think the completion of one thing before I start something else is important to me. It’s like the thing I know I HAVE to do lingers like a big bitch wanting pay up. Only creating more stress and anxiousness. I had to just get it out the way.

The biggest change this week has been me going back to my apartment. The past couple of months I’ve been staying with my boyfriend. Without revealing too much I will say that things got to the point were life intervenes (work, stress…) and he wanted to focus on those things. And he missed having his alone time and space. I was hurt by it and I resisted the change wholeheartedly. I went back to my apartment reluctantly and stubbornly. I cried to myself and vented to my friends and family. And then once all the struggling and resisting was over, I was forced to sit in my silence.

I asked God to help me to accept things that I cannot change and to help me work on me. I had to accept that while the relationship has been everything I’ve could’ve dreamed of and more, we still have so much work to do individually. I was upset with God about that and even asked Him why I had to be the one person in a relationship who has to be apart from her partner to work on herself. Lol, God ignores my stupidity a lot. More silence. He gives me a lot of tough love. But He always knows what’s best.

I believe God separated me so that I could regain my focus. I did NOT want to do it, but it’s one of the best things that I’ve done for me and our relationship. Not to say that two imperfect people can’t grow together because they do, but I have forgotten that I have to work on me first. I have this image in my head of what I wanna be, where I wanna go, and what I want to accomplish. I can see my success (as defined by me), but I don’t know how to get there. That alone time is needed to cultivate me. I am simply under construction. But if I continue to leave my worksite to help everyone else at their worksite I will become stunted. And they will go on and grow and leave my little incomplete self behind. And boy, isn’t that a way to grow apart.

Two people, individuals, working on becoming the best versions of themselves come together as whole people already. He cannot complete me and I cannot complete him. It’s impossible. We would bleed each other dry. So… I’m going to take the blessing that comes with being alone because in that space of solitude there is truly a gift. Now, I also have to say that in my past I have a habit of shutting people out when I’m going through a low period. I shut people out, I binge eat, I cry. I literally cannot get up for about a week. I had a friend who came to me one time and told me that I don’t have to go through that alone and that I have people that care about me. It is hard to get myself out of the pit when I’m in it, but I try to surround myself with loved ones if I can. I have also started taking anti-depressants. I had to be honest with myself and say that I have had cycles of lows and highs for years. I started taking them as a preventative measure because I know I’m about to hit another transitional period— being without a job and figuring out what’s next for me. I don’t wanna go back into that place if I can help it. I do not think I will be on antidepressants for the rest of my life, they are just something to aid me until I can handle my emotions on my own. I have always been opposed to medications (like every other black person), but I will say if you tried everything else and it’s not working, it could be worth a try 🤷🏿‍♀️. Until next time 😘

I had a low moment this week. Currently, I am dealing with cycles of low emotional wellness. A therapist I’ve seen before suggested that I might be depressed. I never took anything for it. I’m kinda regretting that decision now because the fear and pressure I have for not having a job soon is bringing on another darkness. I sit and start thinking. It starts with my thoughts. Before I know it, I’ve lost track of each thought and I’m spiraling down a dark vortex. I’m not mindful of what I’m thinking and before I know it, I’m swept up and bundled into immense sadness. I have no idea how I got there, I just know I feel sad. But I can’t tell you why. Physically, I’m sluggish, extremely tired and sleepy, and unmotivated. It also happens when I have a lot to do and I can’t figure out what to do first, a feeling of being overwhelmed will cause me to shut down. Lately, I’ve tried telling myself to focus on one thing at a time. When I’ve actively practiced mindfulness in the past, I’ve seen how my thoughts bounce from one thing to another so sporadically. I’ve witnessed it when I clean up, how I can bounce from one thing to another, sometimes never fully completing one task. Now, I tell myself to finish one thing before I move to the next. I think what I should start doing is keeping my journal on me so that when I start having feelings of being overwhelmed or sad, I can start identifying what exactly is going on. Better yet, just writing my thoughts down period to see where they go when I’m not aware. Because what I get is the aftermath when I finally tune back in.

What then happens is I try to run away from the feelings. I’ll use food, friends, alcohol— anything to mask how I’m feeling. Or to take control in an attempt to feel better (which is only temporary and never works). So for example, I’ll binge on sweet stuff. I’ll feel good maybe after the initial honeybun, but I’ll eat an entire box until I feel sick and remorseful. The friends I’m not able to use so much because we are all so busy, but in the past I would go to a friend’s house, or stay on the phone for hours (hmm… I still do this one) to avoid work. I’ve gotten better with listening to myself though. And lastly, the alcohol. I have abused it in the past in the same way, I feel sad and will use it to escape in social situations with my friends and family. I’ve learned to tune in though with the alcohol better and identify whether I’m doing it to have fun or if I’m sad better.

On a lighter note, I think Imma start documenting my fitness journey. Because I deal with that extra burden of emotional eating (many do) my journey is difficult for me. It’s hard for me to use brain and will power to stop. Especially once I’m down the rabbit hole. I think it’s gonna take me being mindful before I get into the sticky pit and I believe documenting it will do two things: One, help me be accountable and two, help someone else. In the past, I’ve seen fitness journeys and wished they would have documented from the very beginning. I’ve usually seen them once the person has lost the weight and then they post and respond to the older/before pictures. And I get it because documenting as you go takes vulnerability. But I would read and wish they could tell me in real-time how they got through it. What their thoughts and low moments were in that moment. I wish more people would also tell you that you have to start loving yourself from the very beginning and through the entire process (article for later).

Occupational Depression. I don’t know if the term exists or not, but imma go ahead and claim that I coined it. It is a temporary depression brought on by the unhappiness of one’s workplace. Coincidentally, as soon as I resigned, that cloud of darkness lifted. I had a coworker tell me yesterday that she feels like she’s getting a true glimpse of who I am. Yesterday, I went into her office and was laughing and making little corny jokes. That place literally beat all the life outta me. And trying to laugh and smile and be grateful through my circumstance felt like absolute insanity. Trying to change my mind frame was a temporary fix. And if I had one more person tell me that at least I was making a paycheck and benefits I think I woulda just ran out into traffic 😑. I am grateful for what that place provided me. A chance to see a glimpse of how public education works. To see the well-oiled governmental machine that thrives on the oppression, subordination, and ignorance of its students… and its staff. I learned that I can be a pretty shitty employee if I am unhappy (but weirdly, also I felt like the most sane one). I slept in meetings, or skipped them all together, I complained or yawned out loud, sometimes I would congregate with my peers and perform jokes about why a certain meeting was a complete waste of time. And when I did go to meetings, I would be fashionably late, sit in the back, and I would take the opportunity to work on something more meaningful like my budget for the month. I had become one of my students. One who truly saw the mockery called education and didn’t realize the value. I kicked, screamed, cried, and questioned the entire way. What were we really doing to help our students? Why does this place drain me of creativity and continue to pull out from my already dried out corpse everyday? It’s an interesting dilemma because on one end I would say the students don’t really operate the same way. While I was a student that could potentially sit down, read, and teach myself (I’ve learned that I can have the attention span of a gnat however), these kids simply cannot. I felt like a performing monkey trying to teach them for 90 minutes; trying to switch up activities every 15-20 minutes. But then on one end, I had students who while they did not seem “booksmart” educated me and got my life together real quick on a regular. “You know Ms. Heard, school ain’t about learning no more, it’s just about passing,” My response, “Hmm… you right.” I can’t tell you how many students would ask me how learning about a particular author would help them with their lives right now. Or have a student tell me that she thought a particular assignment pointless. Or, tell me that a particular teaching method of mine was unfair. I accepted all opposition and encouraged all shared feelings with openness and dialogue. Why? Because from what I saw about this peculiar institution was that it expected students to scurry along, “learn,” and take exams without questioning the status quo. I welcomed their thoughts and questions because I didn’t believe that I had all the answers. I was not there to control or impose my beliefs on them, but to facilitate and encourage open dialogue.

And the truth was— I didn’t even know why I was teaching what I was teaching. Now a huge part of the problem was my inexperience as a teacher. I could only imagine how many of my students had teachers that were inexperienced, stressed out, tired, or depressed during their educational careers. I could only guess about how many of my students were simply pushed along and passed to avoid the extra paperwork that comes with possibly failing a student. Different barriers imposed to keep graduation rates up and not leave any child behind. Personally, taking time out to document calls, documents, conversations, and behaviors for a student simply didn’t rank in priority when I didn’t even have a lesson plan for the following day. I am at a title one school and the harsh reality is most of my kids will not enroll into college or don’t see the value in it. Can you blame them? If you go your entire life not really being taught the value of a real education (not whatever the hell we call ourselves doing today) why would you see it as anything other than a requirement? The ones fortunate enough (or maybe unfortunate) to make it to college don’t see the value in it either, why is that?

(These are simply 1st draft free-writes. Therefore, editing wasn’t a priority).

Another day. I will say that my reservoir of gratefulness has not been as full as it should be. Not having something lined up post CMS has definitely been my new stressor. Running out of money and having to start from the bottom up will be a test. Today in boot camp Jamal told me that he can tell how people deal with life based on how they do in the workouts. He said that even though the workout is hard and kicks my butt I don’t give up. That made me feel good because I do feel like that is a strength of mine. I like to be challenged and I like to see improvement.

I guess that’s another reason why I feel like teaching is not for me– I felt like no matter how hard I tried, I did not get better. Well, there were small improvements, but overall I felt like when it came to the teaching, I was doing more of a disservice than anything else. I was burned out from the nightly planning, and I was not given enough time to fully process the material, let alone think of the best methods to teach in an eight-hour turn around (get out at 2:15, have to be back by 6:45, minus 8 hours of sleep if I’m lucky, not including time spent commuting, eating, attending to my own life). I just felt like I was trying my best, but everyday going in with nothing of real value. And I cared too much to continue to be subpar. Not to mention everything else that came with working at that particular school (another article).

Everyday I went into the job extremely unhappy, borderline depressed. The final straw was my student pleading with me to disclose to her what was wrong with me. That was it. I knew that my energy was doing nothing for my students. We were just transferring negative energy back and forth to each other. They didn’t wanna be there and I didn’t either. But as the adult, I saw it as my priority to do something about my energy and I just could not. I hated that place and I could not imagine staying another semester. It was time to go. I still feel like it was a good decision.

Now however, the stressor of me having no job to replace this one is creeping up. The pressure to figure out my next move. Find a job. Be independent and not a moocher. Figure out what my passion is. Jamal asked me today, “What would you do for free and not get paid for? What energizes you and makes you happy.” I thought long and hard about what in life I can do for free and not make any money from it. Hair was attractive and I have the talent, skill, and drive to do it. But more than anything, what I am doing at this very moment is more fitting.

I’ve had people tell me throughout my life that I need to write and keep writing. But not seeing where I could take it, then researching the success rate of writers, and the life of current ones, it was enough to dissuade me. But enough. I am going to put my energy into being the best writer that I can be and see where it takes me. Thanks for tagging along on this journey of self-discovery with me.

Today I’m sitting on the couch thinking about what to do next.

A part of me does feel liberated about my recent decision, but there is that part of me that worries. The part of me that fears failure. I got up super early and went right back to sleep. I had a list of things to do and I spoke to myself and told myself that completing the list was achievable. I told myself, “Just do one thing at a time. Starting with the most important to the least. I started researching on building a cosmetology clientele and the more I looked the more I thought about how difficult the career is starting out with no clientele (I guess that’s any entrepreneurial endeavor). I then decided that the best move would be to look for something temporary to bring in money. I sat downstairs on the couch and before I knew it, I was sleep again. It’s almost been five hours and I can tell you that… I haven’t done much. Some laundry here, some applications there… this is going to be a long journey. I first have to defeat, or at least tame my mental demons. Anxiety. Feeling overwhelmed or a loss of control. Fear. Conquer those and do my best not to eat myself into an oblivion.