Let’s Talk About Feelings #100daysofdrafts (day 5)

I had a low moment this week. Currently, I am dealing with cycles of low emotional wellness. A therapist I’ve seen before suggested that I might be depressed. I never took anything for it. I’m kinda regretting that decision now because the fear and pressure I have for not having a job soon is bringing on another darkness. I sit and start thinking. It starts with my thoughts. Before I know it, I’ve lost track of each thought and I’m spiraling down a dark vortex. I’m not mindful of what I’m thinking and before I know it, I’m swept up and bundled into immense sadness. I have no idea how I got there, I just know I feel sad. But I can’t tell you why. Physically, I’m sluggish, extremely tired and sleepy, and unmotivated. It also happens when I have a lot to do and I can’t figure out what to do first, a feeling of being overwhelmed will cause me to shut down. Lately, I’ve tried telling myself to focus on one thing at a time. When I’ve actively practiced mindfulness in the past, I’ve seen how my thoughts bounce from one thing to another so sporadically. I’ve witnessed it when I clean up, how I can bounce from one thing to another, sometimes never fully completing one task. Now, I tell myself to finish one thing before I move to the next. I think what I should start doing is keeping my journal on me so that when I start having feelings of being overwhelmed or sad, I can start identifying what exactly is going on. Better yet, just writing my thoughts down period to see where they go when I’m not aware. Because what I get is the aftermath when I finally tune back in.

What then happens is I try to run away from the feelings. I’ll use food, friends, alcohol— anything to mask how I’m feeling. Or to take control in an attempt to feel better (which is only temporary and never works). So for example, I’ll binge on sweet stuff. I’ll feel good maybe after the initial honeybun, but I’ll eat an entire box until I feel sick and remorseful. The friends I’m not able to use so much because we are all so busy, but in the past I would go to a friend’s house, or stay on the phone for hours (hmm… I still do this one) to avoid work. I’ve gotten better with listening to myself though. And lastly, the alcohol. I have abused it in the past in the same way, I feel sad and will use it to escape in social situations with my friends and family. I’ve learned to tune in though with the alcohol better and identify whether I’m doing it to have fun or if I’m sad better.

On a lighter note, I think Imma start documenting my fitness journey. Because I deal with that extra burden of emotional eating (many do) my journey is difficult for me. It’s hard for me to use brain and will power to stop. Especially once I’m down the rabbit hole. I think it’s gonna take me being mindful before I get into the sticky pit and I believe documenting it will do two things: One, help me be accountable and two, help someone else. In the past, I’ve seen fitness journeys and wished they would have documented from the very beginning. I’ve usually seen them once the person has lost the weight and then they post and respond to the older/before pictures. And I get it because documenting as you go takes vulnerability. But I would read and wish they could tell me in real-time how they got through it. What their thoughts and low moments were in that moment. I wish more people would also tell you that you have to start loving yourself from the very beginning and through the entire process (article for later).