This has no title. 8

Has anyone else paid to attention to what it feels like when God is talking to you? I don’t ever recall hearing his voice directly, but I have had times where he has used someone else to tell me something. The best way to describe it is a feeling of warmth when that person is talking. My vision even changes. It’s like everything gets brighter. It’s like God is telling me from the inside out, “MESSAGE!” I’ve had moments like that with my students. Whenever we were having class heart-to-hearts, I would feel that warmth come all over me and almost get brought to tears while I was talking. In that moment if I could become cognizant enough to look at their faces, it was always a moment where they were deeply engrossed in my message. There was connection. That feeling would also come during one-on-ones.

I’m looking forward to going back to teaching in August. Teaching was something that I felt I completely sucked at. You know what I sucked at? Feeling like I had to conform to rigid and bland ways of teaching that seemed to be pushed at every angle. Trying to thrive in an environment that was intended to suck the life out of me and my students. Trying to align myself to the purposes and goals of a system that did not even think about students of color. As long as I tried to be what the system wanted me to be, I wilted.

What I was good at was connecting to my students. Sitting down with them and letting them know that they are heard and validating their feelings and experiences. Being vulnerable and letting them know that I did not have all the answers and that we are there to learn from each other. Allowing my classroom to be a safe space to open up and share without ridicule or shame. Showing them that despite how friggin ANNOYING they could be, that I had enough patience and grace to never allow my anger to tear them down, to take anything personal, and to forgive them. I had to show them that I loved them unconditionally. But, that I also loved them enough to discipline them when needed. It always seemed to amaze a student that I may have had an issue with the following day when I would put on my best face and greet them as if nothing happened. Why? I learned that my most impactful way of teaching them was by me being an example. I swear I felt like I was the worst teacher ever sometimes. My lesson plans had no real depth or rigor and I failed completely at trying to prepare them for their state exams. I kept asking people “How do you teach? How do you teach?!!” The funny thing is, I was doing it all along, it just didn’t look like my interpretation of what “teaching” is supposed to look like. The next time I go back into the classroom I’m going to take what I was naturally good at and do it more purposefully. Really combine it with more content and rigor. I relied heavily on group work, discussions, writing and art because quite frankly to me, it was the easiest. As a first-year teacher without an administration to truly support me, it was sink or swim. I had to do something with my students and it made sense to have them doing most the work. My students loved me despite the fact that I felt like I was failing them often. I would love to see what I could do in a healthier environment where I’m not constantly feeling like I’m drowning.

Teaching so far has been a journey into learning myself more deeply.

Where am I now? I’ve been taking a lot of time to reflect and figure some things out… who else can say that they can take almost of year off work to solely focus on themselves?

I’m learning that I am in a good place, despite my current circumstances. It is not easy. I have a lot of moments where I want to shut down and be to myself. I also get so overwhelmed with what I want my future to look like that I get stuck in that cloud of thought. I’ve had to convince myself that the “meaningless” stuff that I’m doing now will get me there— “do not be discouraged,” I tell myself. This is my time, and I’ll use it to heal, grow, read, pray, and plan.