My Salvation

I’m in a space where I don’t know if I’m coming or going. I feel mighty low. This is not a farewell note. Just an honest note to say that I’m not okay. I have off and on days. While I know I don’t have the same struggles as my ancestors before me, the ones I have are still tough to shake. 

I picked up Salvation by bell hooks because that’s what I was looking for and the word “salvation” stuck out. She talked about how poor single mothers fail to parent well because they lack self-actualization and she talked about how it’s necessary for African Americans to decolonize. I know all of that applies to me. However, I don’t think we can negate that economic status also affects self-actualization. 

While she only focused on poor single mothers, this affects us all. It’s difficult to self-actualize in a system meant to drain you. In a system that drains all your attention on surviving and that places your value in your career and how much you can make and produce.  How do you find who you are when the goal is ‘how much can you bring in?’ Your decisions are no longer yours because they are clouded by capitalism. The question is ‘who do I become to survive?’ On top of us being pulled in a million different directions every day— self-actualization is no small feat. Those that take leaps outside of what we’re taught are typically deemed “unstable.”

Currently, I’m unemployed— again. And it comes with so much. Being unemployed, 34 and still trying to “find my path” can tear one’s self-esteem to shreds. I compare myself to everyone I perceive as “doing better than me” and that’s why the work of decolonization is so important. I know that I have value beyond my career and financial status— but it’s tough when you’re in it. Self-actualizing is difficult when you are economically struggling and taught that life looks a certain way.

This is why I’m writing this because currently I’m in it and all sense has evaded me. That combined with feeling like I have no one to talk to, this is my claim back to reality. And I hope in my doing so, this can help someone else who is also grasping onto what they can to bring them back from spiraling in the depths of their sorrows. The world is not over. And sometimes we grasp for what we can. I’m thankful for the pen today.