In the Shade of a Tree

I saw an old lover of mine — I had no business going on his page — and he exclaimed that he was happy several times that he got to live his dream. I felt envious. The envy of him having his dream job and career and being able to do that fully.

It sent me on a spiral. I was in the house and knew that I needed to take my ass outside and touch grass, get out of my head, and distance myself from the expectations I find myself chasing online. 

Envy hit me because I feel like I’ve been waiting for my dream life to start. On my career journey I can say that I have been following my heart. It’s been a journey of staying true to myself because we are programmed to abandon ourselves for everyone else. We are taught that the “heart is deceitful above all else.” My career journey has been a test of whether I can remain true to me. People in positions of authority who abuse their power and try to mistreat you and talk to you in any kind of way, what do you do? I have never been great at “playing the game.” I have done what I thought was right — speak up when what one says or does conflicts with who I am and my spirit. Saying no to what isn’t aligned.

Sometimes I feel like I am being punished for not going along. For listening to my body. For saying no. For speaking out. So when I see others living their dream and making money and having prestige, I start comparing. And it sends me on a spiral. I am struggling to make ends meet. I feel like I have been kind and good– why haven’t opportunities opened up for me? What else do I need to do? How much more self-less do I need to be? How much more silent so I can hear? Agreeable? What else do I need to learn? 

Maybe I need more belief and confidence in my dream and where I am at the moment. 

Maybe who I am and what I know and what I am doing is enough. 

I feel like I have progressed but my reality isn’t reflecting an upgrade. 

I know it’s about presence. 

I know it’s about being here and feeling fully. 

I know I am creating. 

Everything doesn’t have to make money or be seen. 

And it is still meaningful. 

I have more than enough. 

I know how to sit with myself. 

I know that I am prioritizing love for myself

and therefore others.

That is more than enough. 

I find myself alone and at peace. 

No need to talk or listen. 

Just me. 

I am happy in the shade of this tree. 

The coolness and warmth in the air. 

I savor this moment. 

No need to think about a purpose. 

I’m enjoying this swing. 

I think about how I’m going to do it. How I’m gonna be the change I wanna see in the world. 

For now, I give myself permission to not worry and stress over money, career, and the “dream job.” 

I need to take advantage of this weather and go to the park more often, it is so healing. 

I can just be without feeling I’m missing anything or trying to figure out what’s next. 

Wholeness. 

I am grateful for the park and this swing. 

Nothing to do but sit here.